If we are looking for coherency or constancy we are looking at the wrong species.
If we are looking for stability or security, we are looking at the wrong species, and are living on the wrong planet. Yet, despite this, we have these kinds of expectations, and the requisite disappointment when human beings do not live up to our expectations. But, where do these expectations of human beings come from, because it seems like they were forged on another planet? We often expect human beings to be better than they are...to be other than they are...or when they are not performing according to our expectations, we live in the disappointment and the sulking. We call it unfair, and take it out on the world of human beings, because they do not conform with our desires. We desire them to change. We hope that at some point, the offending other, will start to get in line with our pre-existing expectations.
The bizarre thing in all of this mix, is that we rarely ever question our expectations. It is as if our expectations were preordained by an immutable God, and if we let go of them, the world would crumble. We cling to our expectations like a child to a pacifier. When if falls out of place we play out the tantrum, until we get our way, or something closer to it, or alternatively we just keep sulking even when we don't get anything back. These sulks can last for years or lifetimes. Instead of information gathering in an act of existential curiosity about the world that exists around us, or the people that float in and out of our lives, we glue ourselves to our expectations with ever greater resolve...and suffer the pain of the fracturing. We will do this time and time again. Like a ritual of self-flagellation, as if we were addicted to the pain of the disappointment. It would be admirable if it weren't so painful to watch, or to experience.
When we enter into relationships, we enter in with a million little expectations, hidden in our creases, bulging in our pockets. They pre-exist the relationship. When we encounter a human being, we may at first, make some effort to see who they are. To see if they are the kind of other, who might come close to satisfying us...to see if they are a safe bet. If we can tick enough of the prerequisites, then we venture in feeling vulnerable and exposed. Our refrigerated desires start coming out of the fridge of our hiddenness, ready to be projected onto another human being. At some point we stop asking who the other is. We stop asking questions fuelled by curiosity. Instead, we drop the curiosity, and start colonising the other with our expectations. The other can be a little shocked by this...assuming of course that they have not been doing exactly the same thing. They may well have been expecting an other, who did not expect too much of them. But, they soon discover they are in a relationship with someone who does expect something other than what they are giving. What do they do?
What do we do? What do we do when the our expectations and our experiences don't match up? What are the "that always happens to me"s that punctuate our stories? Do they tell a repetitive tale of a faulty existing world, or faulty expectations?
Hang on for dear life to our expectations of course. That is the human prerogative isn't it? We would rather keep our ideals and the complimentary disappointments, than suffer the ultimate disillusionment of that other reality. We will find a million reasons for why we can never unearth that reality, and how it is arrogant to talk about it as such. Who is to know what reality is afterall?
Our expectations were our first love. Our hearts are not fully open to the world and the people in it, because they are still hankering after the love of the first love...the expectations...the wishes.
Then, there are longings. These aren't expectations, just a struggle with the world as it is, and not letting go of the security blanket of the "world as we wish it was". But, where did this idea of a world, any other than the one that exists, come from? Is it just that we perceived this world differently at some point? Of course we did. When I was a child, feeding at my mother's breast, it was a radically different world than it is now. Sorry, lets rephrase that, I perceived it as a radically different world. My experience was radically different. I am no longer a child. I am no longer parented, badly or otherwise. I am my own parent. I still want my needs to be met, and I would still rather I didn't have to communicate that, and that my desires would be known and sated without me having to do anything. But alas...that is also not the world I live in. Yet, it seems, that some people gauge the world that should exist, based on their perceptions from when they were nursing at their mother's breast, or being looked after (badly or otherwise) by some parental figure/s. They think that is the way the world should continue to be. A world that corresponds with their needs and their desires.
So, what can we expect? What is it ok to expect? Is it ok to expect honesty, and openness in an intimate relationship for example? Well, I will be controversial and say no. We can't expect it. We can request it, and as I have often been heard to say, "the opposite of expectation is request". I may desire honesty and openness, but I can not make that happen. This is where I can get frustrated, thinking, "how the hell can we relate to eachother, if you won't be honest, and open?!!"...but, really, I need to be assessing the information I am getting about the person I am relating to. If they are not on a place on their journey, were they feel they can be honest (the way we determine), or open (the way we determine), then that is just who they are and where they are at. Shouting, nagging, or getting angry won't change a single thing. There is no lever big enough to change that. It also leaves me with the ball in my court. Which is usually the last place we want it to be. Why? Because then we have to make a decision based on the information we have received. Freedom, decisions, responsibility. Ah shit!
Making a request of someone is much more egalitarian than it sounds. It allows the other a voice, and a response. It allows the other a voice and a reponse, that we have no control over. It allows them their separateness, and in being open with a request, we face the risk of the negative response coming back. However, at least we are treating the other like a human being, with their own needs, own desires, and own ideas. Instead of trying to maintain some sort of toxic symbiosis, we allow the breath of air to come inbetween, and we wait for the response. This is much more humanising, and much more egalitarian, and dare I say more loving, than having expectations of the other person.
So, does this mean expectations are out the window? Well, what use are they? When they are not informing us of anything...when they are taking templates from a world of wishes, and overlaying them on the people and events in the world of is-ness.
If our expectations are of any use...it is simply, that they tell a story about a world that existed for us once, and tell us about our desires. But, when we start projecting them onto the people in our lives...especially the people we claim to love, then what are we doing to them? It seems that when we are heavily laden with expectations, we don't see people for who they are, and let them tell their story as they wish to tell it...instead we squeeze them into a pre-existing formula...a pre-existing dance...a pre-existing pattern...a pre-existing ritual...a pre-existing drama.
We no longer see people for who they are, but how they can fit into the world we need to feel exists.
The people we love, become, simply the people we need to reaffirm the world we hope exists.
People become our little charms to ward off the world of is-ness.
Little amulets. We care little for what they are made off, only what they can facilitate for us.
