Self-Esteem Trees

Self-esteem doesn’t grow on trees.

It would be preferable to many of us, if you were just able to pluck some self-esteem from the nearest tree, as if feeling good about our selves were a natural right of every human being, or at least that it should come easily. As is often the case, we want valuable things without cost. We want things that have worth to us, without paying for them. So many of us, are like closet shoplifters, that don’t have the courage to actually steal anything, but resent paying for the thing they want. So, we end up in the aisles paralysed between our conflicting desires.

Pilfering self-esteem as and when we find it from the pockets of life, is a decent enough ploy, but it is a tactic that rewards the minimal effort with a minimal pleasure. You get what you give. And so, there is nothing quite like getting down to business…putting in a bit of elbow grease. For many of us, our esteem, is dependent on someone else. We glue ourselves into relationships where someone else takes charge, and takes responsibility, while we glean off some of the profits, which can never be any thing more than crumbs from the table.

What if we became self-sufficient?

I don’t mean that we become hermits who never communicate with anyone. I am not suggesting that we ought to live our lives free from other people, even though there are times when that would seem idyllic. I am, however, suggesting that the satisfaction of looking after one’s self, far outweighs the satisfaction we might get from letting others do the dirty work.

Self-esteem only comes with sacrifice and hard work. It comes with perseverance and determination, and of course, sometimes we don’t have those, and so we slip back into the quicksand of our more protective selves. The more we slip back, into feeling crap about ourselves, the less likely we are to find the tools we need to change; like rummaging for a nail in a toolbox when you have no torch and the lights have gone out. In this scenario, one can become fixated with the task of finding the nail, and not try to sort out the lighting issue. Sometimes we need to go back to basics…you’d be as lucky to find self-esteem, without looking after the basics of your physical and practical well-being, as you would be to find that nail in the toolbox. Either way, it is no one else’s job to sort it out for us; there is only you, and the journey for your self-esteem is an entirely solitary one.

There is something better for us…not out there…not in the wide blue yonder…just in here. Inside, in that little room inside yourself, where you have those million secret conversations, commentaries, monologues and diatribes that no one else ever gets to hear. Maybe in those conversations with yourself, you can find a nurturing voice. A voice from yourself, to yourself and for yourself; a voice free from judgement and criticism, and free from wish and fantasy, free from the curses that you have whispered over your self for far too long. And maybe, if you find this nurturing voice, you will encourage a movement that will become a few movements, which will over time become the makings of a journey, or maybe nothing as grandiose as that…maybe just a wee trip to some place nicer than you where.

I wish you well for that journey

Learning to Limp

Learning to limp

as natural and instinctive

as curling in foetal forms

to dampen the impending

anticipated pain

connected pains

pains of connection

as the tissue of our being

with heavy footfall

weighted unnecessarily by

our own hated burdens

on the

tarmac of our this and that

the frictions and abrasions

inevitable and impending

as certain as the passing

the

blows and grazes

contusions and lacerations

Then the injury

is gone

But loyally

we limp on

For we have learned to limp

learned to

curl

duck

clench

hold ourselves

in ways that give genesis

to their own ailments

and

counter-pains

tightened tendons

strained ligaments

Learning to live unwounded

Learning to live unbroken

Learning to live un-analysed-to-within-an-inch-of-one’s-life

Can be as hard as learning to walk…

For

The
Very

First

Time

Love Thy Neighbour

You have heard it said, love your neighbour as yourself, but I say…love your neighbour as they want to be loved.

It may come as a surprise, but, not everyone wants to be loved in the same way that we would like to be loved. Sometimes we care and love, and act that out without regard to how the other person might actually like to be treated. It’s a simple mistake, we simply forget to ask, and just bash on with our caring and loving.

This is often the case in intimate relationships. We can maintain beliefs in mystical connections at the expense of learning how to navigate the quagmire of real communication…real requests…and real listening.

It’s a little bit like buying a present for someone, and mistaking our own excitement about the gift, with the actual appreciation that person might have for it. Traditionally, the receiver has been socially obliged to be grateful regardless of the gift’s suitability. After all, at worst, it was a bad guess, and we all know we can put the rubbish present in the box with the other bits’n’bobs, or donate it to the charity shop.

However, when it comes to loving and caring, this kind of disparity can cause even more discomfort and unease, than an unwanted itchy jumper. Many of us like to believe that when we love another, the other is somehow essentially connected to us, and this can easily lead us to believing that the other is essentially the same as us.

It’s so easy to do, to mix up the pleasure of our loving intent, with what might actually end up being unappreciated, or worse, causing harm…like Bad Aid or Bad Intervention. People who are blindly caught up in the energy of their own good actions can do things that cause harm. Aid organisations injecting huge quantities of free rice or clothing can cripple the other’s economy in this exchange, whilst overbearing interference can undervalue the autonomy of the other.

We can end up caring carelessly.

But imagine this: imagine that we communicated honestly with one another, without fear of causing offence or upset, and suggested the ways we like to be looked after, cared for and loved, even if that meant we’d rather go-it-alone. Of course, the other person is not obliged to conform, but at least it would be out in the open. We could listen to each other’s differences and figure something out…something a little bit better.

And you never know, you might stop getting those itchy jumpers that you hate.

Be Blessed

When the road doesn't rise to meet you,

may you find the subtle strength in your sinews

to let one foot fall in front of the other

down tracks untrod

into fresh unknowns

that are only yours

When the wind isn't at your back,

may you find your centre

and summon a gentle energy

that brings intention to move or stay

so that you are not blown by every breeze

When the sun doesn't shine upon your face,

may you close your eyes

and find comfort in the darkness

and an inner flicker of light

that can guide you without blinding you

And when the rains fall hard upon you

may you lift up your face to it

and let it wash you

drench you

until you stop thinking your life

And when you do not feel held

by God or anyone

may you begin to know yourself

in your separateness

and befriend your self

so that you can stand strong in a sea of others

that when they do come to hold you

you do not feel like half a person being completed.

For in the blessing is a curse,

and in the curse

is a blessing

Never Forget to Remember

Some of us, find it easier and safer, to stay locked to the negative. They jettison the positive experiences so as not to corrupt their loyalty to the hurt. They stay true to the trauma. They erect their behaviours around that trauma, like memorials to the loss: the loss of innocence. The betrayal of trust.

They root their identities firmly in that trauma. They scar themselves with newer, fresher pains, to keep themselves from straying from their secret vows to the trauma.

They must never forget. To forget would be to betray. To forget would be to blaspheme the holy name of the pain.

They parade magic charms around to make sure they don’t forget to remember. They tattoo themselves with their loyalties to make sure they don’t forget to remember. They march defiantly, with banners and flags unfurled, and make sure everyone else knows the reality of their pain. These are the muffled cries of loss, expressed with rage and triumph. Everyone else must know. Everyone else must hear this.

But, all the stories matter, every single story. All our loaded words and ways; all of them matter. In some strange meaningless way.

Backup Plans

I have been learning to live with as much flexibility as possible. I have been learning to accept the unpredictability of life, and human behaviour. I have been learning to have back up plans. It has not been easy, but, it has been deeply rewarding even though I haven’t, and probably never will, fully master it.

Oftentimes we confront the unpredictability, of circumstances and people, with the rage of our disappointed expectations. We project our rage against the offender, who ought to have facilitated the world we wish existed.

The world will always, at some time or other, run against the grain of our ego. The world will always, at some time or other, go against the grain of our will.

How do we face up to it? Do we?

It seems to me, that we more commonly resist this kind of engagement with life, and instead continue to live in a world-of-unpredictable-humans, heavily armed and weighed down with expectations, with no backup plan. We instead chose to live in the abstract world of our rights to this or that, and the shoulds about the circumstances that we would have preferred, and the oughts about the ways we wished others behaved.

We sit there feigning and claiming innocence, blaming the world around us for not being better than it is. We can continue with this for as long as we want, but, sooner or later you, me, we, have got to deal with it.

Sustainable Living

Sustainability is a word that most of us are now familiar with. We have heard it mostly used in relation to what is perceived by many to be a climate crisis. I believe that sustainability is a beneficial guide for us, as a species, but also as individuals. It is not an all-encompassing answer to the problems of the world, although I don’t think one of those exists, but, it is useful.

I’ll highlight two kinds of economies…deficit-based economies, and resource-based economies. In the former, any growth that these countries experience is fundamentally fragile, and as it expands, the bubble always threatens to burst. This results in economic catastrophe and collapse. Every penny that is spent is owed. The government owes, the banks owe, and everyone ends up writing bouncy cheques. There is no foundation to the figures, which becomes nothing more than an abstract proposition of consumer confidence and projected worth.

The other kind of economy is resource-based.  This is, what I see, as a smarter economic model, as it doesn’t gamble with what it doesn’t have. It works with its own resources, its growth is stable and consistent, and it does not have the fickle confidence of the deficit-junkies, who are buoyed up on the ether of the last financial high.

This economic insight has a lot to say about what we humans get up to behind the scenes. There is a term in the world of psychology: cognitive dissonance, and essentially, this is the psychological equivalent of a deficit-based economy. This is where the idea we have of ourselves doesn’t match up to who we are. We can sustain this disparity for some amount of time, but, depending on how great the distance is within ourselves, it will eventually give way. Some might manage to maintain this inner gulf until the day they die, but, it isn’t something I would aspire to, or encourage anyone to give a try. It is a massive drain on our inner resources trying to maintain overly grand ideas of ourselves. We cannot keep doing it. It will eventually ruin the things we think we are trying to maintain.

Just like the population of Easter Island, that were so busy building impressive statues of human faces that they didn’t notice they were wiping out all the trees in the process. They destroyed the civilisation they thought they were revering. They killed the thing they loved. There is a big price to pay for big ideas.

So, I am trying to promote psychological sustainability. Look at what you have, cultivate your soul and grow what you need, and you will weather life’s storms with much more ease.

Ditch the faces, and keep the forests.

Selective Hearing

We have all heard of the term selective hearing. It is commonly understood that people, some more than others, can hear what they want to hear, when they want to hear it, and play deaf when it suits them.

However, I want to take this commonly accepted notion, and open it up to include other things, because I think the act of selective hearing sheds light on other very human traits.

Selective Attention

Most of us, unless we have chosen to avoid it altogether, are surrounded by people, things, happenings and events. We cannot take everything in at once, and so, smartly, we are able to select what we think is important to focus on at any given time. This is an incredible ability that we have, and it happens so quickly, that most of us are entirely oblivious to what we have done…yet, we do it all the time, especially when we are out and about in the world of stimulation. We also choose, what not to focus on, for whatever reason…repulsion or avoidance. We are separating the wheat from the chaff so to speak.

Some of us focus intensely, so as to exclude as many other variants as possible…this is the kind of focus, that is sometimes romanticised as passion, but is often better described as obsession. This reduced focus, can be acted out in a variety of ways, but the crux of it is to limit one’s encounters with variables [variables being people]. We all do this to some extent, especially when we are needing to recover from having been out in the world of stimulation. We recuperate by losing ourselves in smaller, more-limited worlds, such as cleaning, television watching, fishing, instrument playing or computer tinkering.

Others, like to keep their attention as flitting as possible, not letting it rest on anything for too long. This is what I like to refer to as intentional scattiness. See no evil…feel no responsibility. Again, we may all do this from time to time as it suits us, but, we are essentially using the survival skills that are built into us as human-animals.

Selective Memory

This is the process whereby we start editing the story of ourselves. We have already made decisions about where to be, and where not to be; about who to be with, and who not to be with…and we have paid attention to what has suited us. But, on top of this, we then chuck out a lot of stuff as we internalise the things we experience. We start whittling down the experiences in a way that sits best with our idea of ourselves, and how the world is around us. This is like an actor rehearsing their lines before going on stage…they might read the words out loud, or into themselves, or write them down in journals or blogs. These are the pre-stage preparations that help us get ready for the performance, which we hope to go smoothly.

Selective Telling

This is the externalising of the rehearsed lines…the performance. Once we have swallowed down the medicine of our own memories, as bitter tasting as they may be, we then start to reaffirm those memories, by repeating our now-edited accounts of the experiences that forged them. Every time we repeat the story, we repeat an incantation, by which we reassure ourselves that the world is the way we think it is, and we are who we think we are. We ask for the nods and approval of others around us, as we tell ourselves these stories. If they do not nod and approve, we distance ourselves from them…they are not our friends. Our friends nod. We say we want to be understood, but, we are really saying that we want to be understood in the way that we understand ourselves. If they don’t align, they don’t understand.

So, what am I getting at here with all this babble? I am suggesting that the popular account of the human experience, is one that turns a blind eye to the script, stage, curtains, makeup and lighting. We talk about ourselves and our lives, and the things that concern us, as if they were factual. Our desire to convince others of what we feel and how important those feelings are, lures us into evoking the name of Truth and Fact.

Behind the scenes there is so much going on, like a busy production room. Of course, this is not for public viewing, and for a lot of people it would ruin the performance. I am trying to say that we are all story tellers. We are all participant and active, in the story of our lives, even if the story we tell is one of helplessness, and hopelessness. Of course, the helpless and hopeless, would never want to admit that they have anything to do with the scripting of that particular play.

We are not the performance.
We are not just the performance.
We are the script writer, the director, the actor, and the performance.
So, what kind of story are we telling?

Staving off the Hunger

Connection junkies come in all shapes and sizes, as many shapes and sizes as there are people. Some connection junkies are very obvious in how they play out their addiction. They cling in very open ways to almost everyone they come into contact with. They lift people up onto fantastical pedestals where the innocent pawn’s humanity is irrelevant. Even though they may hardly know you, they may have high expectations of how you are going to live up to your role. Of course, this behaviour leads to many betrayals and letdowns, and creates a museum of Judases.

However, there are other less obvious connection junkies, whose behaviour almost seems to suggest that they are not addicted to human connection. These are the people that rarely socialise, and isolate themselves for long periods of time. Their behaviour seems to suggest that they don’t need people and don’t need human company, as if they don’t desire that kind of stimulation.

This behaviour is like a magic charm, whereby, the participant hopes to convince them self of that very thing. They starve themselves of something that all human beings require in some measure for an ordinary balanced life. It may seem, and they would be adamant about this, that they do not require what others require, as if they are wired differently. However, the truth of the addiction will always slip through in other behind-the-scene behaviours.


Often, with these closet connection junkies, they satisfy their needs for company and affection, and their desire to care, nurture or parent, with non-humans [pets or strays]. I am not suggesting acts of bestiality here, just innocent acts of much needed affection. These interactions with non-humans stave off the desires for human interaction, and more importantly, avert the likelihood of misunderstandings, obligations and social guilt that the person has encountered in their past.


Instead of going on a journey, whereby the person re-learns, re-evaluates, and re-lives new patterns, that shed social guilt and the inevitable dissatisfaction that comes with it, they enter a stasis. Within in this stasis, nothing changes, and the person does not grow. The instincts remain the same, and so, when the person does venture out into the populated world again, they encounter all the same kinds of old familiar feelings; the kind of feelings that had them hiding away in the first place.


It is not that animals are much different from humans [they eat and shit and fuck, they are competitive, and they seek to meet their needs at all cost] the only difference is that the connection junkie projects less expectation onto them. They are spared the pedestals and the significance. 

The connection junkie may claim that they don’t expect anything from humans, but, often this is a protective statement, much like the person that exclaims, “I don’t give a shit!” when they blatantly do. “I don’t expect anything” covers up the disappointed fantasy of the better parent, which then gets transferred on to the better friend, or the better partner.



Underneath the numb façade lie catacombs, full of the bones of interred wishes.

Back to the Drawing Board

It seems to me, that we humanoids often live life, on the basis of some kind of primordial blueprint about how life ought to be. This includes all the fittings and fixtures, which in this case, are the people and circumstances. We often walk around like frustrated architects, grumbling about how the building isn’t going according to the plan we have. The real thing doesn’t match the blueprint.

The thing is, when it comes to our own lives, we don’t have any builders working for us. We might like to have a team of builders and craftsmen, who are devoted to helping us accomplish our goals, but we don’t.

And so, it seems like the building site of our lives is one, where all the others around us, have their own blueprints. Their blueprints don’t match ours. The only person that is going to be able to build anything like what you have in your plan is you.

If you do attempt to keep living your life, along the blueprint-builders line, you will become increasingly frustrated, as it becomes increasingly apparent, that those other people on your site, aren’t actually there to help you. They’re not even there to make you a cup of tea, although they might.

You might also find that the designs on the blueprints you were using, on the basis that all those other people around you were there to assist, are no longer achievable. You can either grind yourself into the ground, trying to build the mansion you had in mind, or, you can downsize and build something that won’t kill you.

So, what does this mean for us?

It means, we might become less frustrated, annoyed, angry and disappointed, if we stop operating from the pretext that life ought to be a particular way, or that the people around us, ought to be pleasing or appeasing us, in some way or other. They aren’t. They simply aren’t.

It also means that we might want to reassess the standards that we are judging our lives by. If we are building our happiness, pleasure, contentment or satisfaction, on the foundation of others conforming with our ideals, then we are setting ourselves up for a life of frustration and resentment, with at least a little sprinkling of bitterness. 

Some of us have already realised that there aren't any others involved in our building schemes, and are now mournfully sitting with their crumpled up blueprints, looking listless and forlorn.

So, what are we to do?

It means assessing and reassessing the circumstances of our lives, letting go of at least some, if not all of our weightier wishes, and start working with what we’ve got.

It means that we may well ditch the Corinthian portico, plinth and pillars, and build a log cabin.

Taking Risks at the Bookies

I was walking past a Bookies the other day, and I saw a guy walk in to place a bet, but, before he went in he locked his busted-up bicycle up to the railing.

I thought this was a great example of the often-contradictory ways we approach risks.

The same man that was going in to the bookies to hand over his hard earned money, in the hope of his proverbial horse coming in; locked up his bicycle securely to the railings. Losing his bike was obviously a risk he didn't want to take.

This is conjecture, but, there is a good chance that he spends more money gambling on horses, than it would cost to replace the rickety bicycle he locked up; and probably a few times over.

The thought it provoked was about how we often deal with risks in different ways. There are risks we feel that are acceptable, and there are often risks that we take in our lives that reveal hidden contradictions that we would probably prefer to ignore.

We are all gamblers. We are all doing secret little exchanges. These exchanges involve the trading of risks.

Imagine someone, anyone, and imagine that they are interested in doing something new, but are afraid of causing upset to some one they care deeply about. This person risks not discovering their own personal satisfaction, and instead, risks living constantly in that fragile, thinly iced world, where they feel like a prisoner to the feelings of parents or partners.

Imagine someone, anyone, who feels something very strongly about a relationship they are in, but is terrified of rocking the boat, and upsetting the status-quo if they revealed what they really felt to those around them. This person risks not living openly as they are, and instead risks living a life of masks and window dressing.

Do you see what I am getting at?

I am not suggesting that we all go bungy-jumping and backpacking around the world. But, I am suggesting that if bungy-jumping and backpacking are something you have always wanted to do, but you have been afraid of what other people will think, then you might want to reconsider the exchange of risks.

Maybe you want to go work with Orangutans in Borneo. Maybe you want to become an investigative journalist, writing stories that mean something to you. Maybe you want to go dig wells to provide people with uncontaminated drinking water. Maybe you want to quit the job that has been sucking your soul dry for far too long, and try working for yourself. Maybe you want to go see the world. Maybe you want to ask that person out on a date, that person who makes your heart beat faster every time you see each other. Maybe you want to reveal what you really think, and what you really feel to the people you care about. Maybe there is a relationship that is fractured that you would love to heal.

I am not saying that there is any guaranteed outcome to any of these ventures. They are indeed, all ventures, and they are indeed all risks, but, in the exchange of risks, we may want to look at what it is we are risking in return for maintaining the status-quo; what we are risking for maintaining our habits.

Let's not risk living an unsatisfying life. We only have one.

Paralysing Plethora of Paths

We all have paths that lie in front of us. Of course, there are paths that don’t lie in front of us too. There is no single person alive that has all the possibilities in the world in front of them. Due to circumstances and genetics, body and psyche, and all sorts of other things…our paths have already been whittled down.

This is a good thing, and a useful thing, for the full gamut of possibilities would simply paralyse every single one of us. We wouldn’t be able to decide what to do. Some people fantasise about winning the lottery, as if, having lots of money, would bring the equivalent amount of possibility. Yet, the money and the possibilities don’t make it any easier to start a journey along a path.

In fact, I reckon, that the more possibilities we have, the more unhappy we become. One of the things humans deal with the worst in life is indecision. It seems that having a plethora of options is not congenial to the human temperament.

Some people genuinely don’t have clue what they want, and no sense of direction as to where to go, and what road to head out on. For them, attempting to choose might feel incredibly daunting, and induce the paralysis experienced by those who have too many options. These mapless ones have to make do with winging it, venturing down unknown paths. At best, these sojourners can learn to be pragmatic, willing to change and reassess at any given moment. For them, the road can be neither good nor bad, just preferable or not.

However, some of us have already begun on our journeys toward our satisfaction. We know all too well the path that lies in front of us; yet, we get scared from time to time. The further up the path we travel, the more scared we get, even though this is the journey we wanted and we chose. We falter. We stumble. We hanker after that place that lies behind us, as terrible as it is…that place where there is an abundance of possibility. We fantasise about a return to that no-man’s land where we have not chosen anything. We want to return to the crossroads.

When we start journeying toward our satisfaction, we often have to confront the dew of our dreams. When we have lived in the no-man’s land between the fantasy and the fear…the journey that will teach us about our capabilities and our limitations, threatens to disillusion us. This is why, even as we journey along paths we have very-much chosen, we may desire to return to the crossroads. We would often, rather keep our fantasies and dreams, as just that. We may be afraid that the actuality of the thing we longed for, might actually just be ordinary…just a different kind of ordinary. Not amazing…but a rich kind of ordinary.

But, maybe that is the thing we are most afraid of finding, at the end of the road.

Shooting Yourself in the Foot

When the rain comes on, hard and heavy, we pull our hoods up, or we pop open our umbrellas. But have you ever noticed, how, once inside those protective little worlds, how oblivious people tend to become? You can witness the hooded-ones walking out in front of cars. With their vision restricted, they don't have the same view of the real dangers. We all know far too well, to watch you don't get your eyes gouged out, when the umbrellas go up in the rain. The people that wield these eye pluckers, seem to be in another world, slightly more removed from the general reality outside of their portable shelters.

This isn't just a word of caution to you, to be careful when you are walking with your hood up, or when you are wielding an eye-plucking umbrella. Although, it is that too. But, the observation I really want to make is this:

Life rains down on us. It just does. It is not for us or against us, it just does its thing regardless. From the day we are born to the day we die, we live through sunshine and showers, heatwaves and storms, but, when life rains down on us, we tend to put up protective shelters. We put up our psychological hoods, and our mental umbrellas, to shield ourselves.

But, let us bear in mind, that when we are protecting our self from something that we can't avoid, we often bring about hazards, that we can avoid.

We shield ourselves from the rain, and get knocked down by a car.

There are many ways in which we exhibit this behaviour. Maybe you will recognise it in yourself. I know I have seen in myself many times. Sadly, it seems, that we often continue to keep up our hoods and umbrellas, even after the rain has stopped. With hoods up, we can end up isolating ourselves from contact with those around us, with our umbrellas swinging around, we may push people away, who understandably want to keep a safe distance. 

These coping strategies and defence mechanisms are usually pragmatically glued together at a time when we were much more vulnerable, and more at the mercy of the others in our lives. There were feelings that we never wanted to feel again. We did the best with what we had at the time, and cobbled together makeshift defences. But, as we grow older, we sometimes forget to see that we are no longer so vulnerable. We have our own power. We can stand our ground and we can grow. We may also realise that many of these strategies, not only do not work anymore, but may actually bring about the very thing we are trying to protect ourselves from. Or, the protective behaviour that we are using, to hedge ourselves from particular difficult feelings, may have worse repercussions than the difficult feeling would be on its own.

This is also known as shooting yourself in the foot.

It might be time to sit down and reassess what we are afraid of, what we are doing with that fear, and become aware of what the side effects of that behaviour are. As we all know, so many of the 'medicines' we take to make us well, have lists of side effects that are worse than the ailment we are trying to rid ourselves of.

Caviar Monkeys

If I were a monkey

who had been fed on caviar

for the first few years of my life

I could end up

spending the rest of a short life

holding out for caviar

refusing to find sustenance elsewhere

or I could learn to palate

other more humble flavours

from other sustaining foods

that would help me survive

and the reality is

that those more humble

maybe even mundane foods

would provide better nutrition for me

me, the little monkey

with a penchant for caviar

the luxurious foods

would have long term ill-effects

and I think this is the case

with significance

for this is the thing we are fed

in our early formative years

and we can end up hankering

after continued significance

starving ourselves

of the ordinary satisfactions

that initially taste too bland

even, too repulsive to stomach

and we get the gag reflex

because something in our mind

has already chosen the repulsion

and has us gagging

and so, we hanker for the luxury and starve

or
we learn to live more ordinary lives

Better the Devil you Know

The essential difference between an escape and a distraction is to do with location. With an escape, you go somewhere else, but, with a distraction you stay right there where you are.

Many people that think they are escaping, are simply engaging in the act of distracting. This is so, because, there are no easy ways out. There are no get-out-of-jail-free cards in life outside the illusion. In a world where the jails, are the lives we have created and maintained for ourselves, and the bars of the cell are our behaviours...freedom can only exist in change of habit.

With a distraction, we don't go anywhere, we just whirl stuff around in front of ourselves to take our focus off where we are standing. As soon as the distraction has lost its momentum, we get the dawning realisation about where we are, and see that we haven't budged an inch, and start feeling anxious and hungry for another distraction.

We might call our distractions 'escapes', hoping to convince ourselves that we have gone somewhere else altogether different, when this is rarely the case.

In the movie Collateral, Jamie Foxx's character in the movie, is a taxi driver who has fooled himself into thinking he is escaping his life-as-it-is, when actually he is hooked on his life-as-it-is. His behaviours are so fixed and unchanging, that he appeases himself by staring at a postcard of a sunny destination. This is a destination he will never arrive at because he is distracting himself. Distracting himself enough, so that he can avoid the difficult and daunting movement that freedom necessitates.

But, what is he, and what am I, and what are we distracting ourselves from?

Change

Terrorised by the devil we don't know

People don't want freedom, they want comfort

Or, at least, they want both,

and for the most part

will sell their freedom in exchange

for the subtle lure of comfort

and true escape and true change

will only come

when we put freedom over comfort

when the devil we know

is killing us slowly with boredom

maybe its time to take a ride

with the devil we don't know

Lest we Forget

We get together and remember

our tragedies and our losses.

communites large or small

sharing its grief or disbelief

and we say,

it is good to remember

lest we forget

and we remember

our wars, holocausts and genocides

and we maybe hope

that by remembering

we will prevent these

horrifying acts

from ever happening again

but,

how do we remember,

and

what exactly are we remembering?

I ask these questions

because I think we can insulate ourselves

from the realities of

what humanity has proven itself to be

by remembering

with a sense of disbelief

we can keep ourselves separate

from the vile evil-doers

as if they were born of hell

and we were born of heaven

we can remember

in a way that helps us

keep a mythology

about human progress

intact, and unedited

this kind of remembering

keeps ourselves

lost in a little mist of innocence

where we stay

baffled and bemused

by the acts of others

and we would far rather

stay that way

than find out

that all those

perpetrators and victims

were ordinary people

like you and me

that fell either side

of that all too fine line

that any one of us

could find ourselves

on the wrong side of

but, isn't that is too close for comfort?

so lets forget

lest we remember

Fixing the Leaks

I think that we oftentimes convince ourselves that avoiding things is easy, as if to avoid the difficult and the challenging, were to embrace the stress-free life. Some have become so used to avoiding things, that they call themselves lazy, as if this behaviour has become a part of their identity. We may even come up with clever meaningful stories about why we don't do particular things. We can avoid things for all sorts of reasons. It can be from lack of self-belief, fear of failure, or addiction to established comfort zones, or any number of self-created, superstitious, narcissistic narratives. However, it is erroneous to think that the avoidance is easy, and energy-saving.

Avoiding things is an action. It has a hidden intentionality behind it. It is a repackaged resistance. It drains energy in hidden ways, that will leave us lethargic and apathetic. It steals the energy that we could otherwise be putting into addressing our fears, and steals the opportunity of finding a truly personal fulfillment. Personal fulfillment, can only come through challenging our fears, and expending energy in that general direction. Our fears communicate to us what matters to us. Fear is the field in which our treasure is buried. We can leave it there and never find it if we so wish.

Avoidance is resistance. Resistance expends energy, but it is a use of energy that is like a leak in the system. It drains away under the surface, and you lose the energy you need for things that might be important, significant or meaningful to you.

If we are not putting ourselves to things, if we are not challenging ourselves in some way or other, or if we are avoiding the things we fear, we will end up with lives that feel stagnant, repetitive, mediocre, empty, boring, meaningless and without worth.

We can not expect to have lives that feel meaningful and significant, if we do not channel our energies into tasks, if we do not challenge ourselves, if we do not take some risks.

Things...what are those things...those things we avoid? A broken relationship? A risky vocational venture? Being truly ourselves with others? The better life?

Fix the leaks, divert your limited energies, direct them toward living the fullest life you can muster, in this blip of time we call life. Not because we must, not because we are obliged to, not because of what others might think, and not because it matters; just because you might feel alive again, and we all know, even if only from distant memory, that that feels good.

A Pleasurable Resolution

Keep your vices

Keep your guilty pleasures

Let your new resolution be

to get rid of the guilt,

not the pleasure

isn't life difficult enough

and short enough

so why would we want to deprive ourselves of pleasure?

Yet,

guilt drives so many of us

and we will get caught up

in purging ourselves

of our

unacceptable behaviour

less controlled behaviour

childlike behaviour

human behaviour

purge ourselves for our failings,

we the priest, we the sinner

handing out our own penance.

Do not steal away from your life

instead,

add to your life

bring more and more richness to your life

let it be textured

let it be pleasurable

find as many things as you can to find pleasure in

these may be new activities

and fresh experiences

you have never before explored

make it your goal to free yourself

from guilt

from shame

make it a year for finding ways

to live more fully

to live more freely

of course,

we may not even have that many pleasures in our lives

as we currently exist

or the things that were once pleasurable

have lost their enjoyment

so adding pleasure to our lives

may require us to breach our defences

may require us to jump the fences

may require us to say

FUCK IT

to our own retinue of

self-created and borrowed

legalities and principles

that help us to justify avoiding

risk and change

and when it comes down to this

down to the nitty-gritty

it becomes a decision

over an exchange

of pleasures

the pleasure,

of the status quo

the comfort and convenience

of doing what we have always done

even if this no longer brings anything

that we might honour with the name pleasure

and

the possible pleasures

that we might discover

as we test and try

and experiment

with things we have never done before

or re-encountering things

that used to bring us

pleasure

imagine we resolved to enjoy our lives as much as possible

without feeling guilty for it

imagine that for the rest of your life

you increased the amount of pleasure in your life

without worrying about what anyone else thought

increasing your potential for pleasure

opening up opportunities for pleasure

dropping your resistances to unknown pleasures

day by day, year by year

would you ever regret that?