Why the Stiff get Injured

Some of us have become so composed with adulthood that we have become rigid, and we have lost the strength of flexibility. As life breaks against us, those with flexible ideas of themselves, sway a little, absorb a little, and remain intact. For those who have become rigidly sane and adult, they set themselves up for a breakdown. When faced with the forces of life they come crumbling down. Their idea of themselves shatters into pieces.

Why is this?

It is because our identities are anchors that we made as children: adolescent and pre-pubescent pragmatism, grasping at any available material to hedge ourselves against the uncertainty of existence outside of a womb, away from the undivided attention of doting mothers [for those that had them]. As our caregivers start putting their own needs above ours, we start the project of identity formation, for those that were neglected, this may start far earlier. We were already behaving in particular ways, accumulating a little repertoire of habits, but, these were always fairly responsive and pragmatic.

What were once responsive and pragmatic habits, soon become concrete. Our identities become protective walls that help us to feel safer in a world that abounds with the wills of others. In a world where others have beliefs about how to live, and how we should behave, and who we ought to be, we can feel like we are blown around by the waves created by other's beliefs, feelings and expectations.

They solidify, become strong, rigid, stubborn and immobile. They lose the playfulness of childhood. When they fall they hurt, and they find it hard to return to their feet. They take themselves, and the things they put themselves to, seriously. They weigh everything down with meaning, and nothing has lightness any more. It is life without surprise, and although this disappoints, it is exactly what their repertoire of behaviours is designed to do...reduce risk, reduce possibility, limit options.

No alarms, no surprises.

Stoic until we crumble. Strong until we slump. Stubborn until broken.

And serious about it all until the bitter end.

Dance Kid, Dance!

Dance

Go on dance! She says

The child crosses his arms against his chest

In defiance

The child is almost lost in the swirling of her skirt

as she sways, attempting to animate him

No!!

No dance!! the child says

She eventually ceases her attempts,

and turns back to a conversation

and outside of her gaze

unwatched

he does a dance

his own dance

hoping no one will notice

resisting the attempts to make him dance

not because he did not want to dance

but when coaxed

and coerced

the desire is stolen

for the satisfaction

that comes from dancing

should be
fun, freeing and liberating

When someone is whipping,

or pointing the loaded gun

of emotional blackmail at someone's feet

the parental face of disappointment

the partner's sexual withdrawal
those looks and gestures 
and slammed doors,

punishing the bad behaviour

of not conforming

dance kid, dance...go fuck yourself!

The Things we Lost in the Fire

Children are not innocent.

I have probably mentioned this before in my blogging, that I see childhood innocence as nothing more than a romantic story, dreamt up by disillusioned adults who hanker after the things they lost in the process of becoming adult-erated. It is then projected back onto the children in an act of objectification. Parented into nice, cute, lovely, caring creatures.

Children are need-meeters. They learn to do all kinds of things in order to meet their needs. They are often cruel, malicious and manipulative. But, of course, we don't want this to be the case. We want our spawn to be little darlings...princes and princesses...untainted by the human gene...born of a more heavenly sperm.

Really, all that has happened, is that the children got adult-erated. They got socialised. The parents rewarded the behaviour they liked, and punished the behaviour they didn't. The parents conform to society's ideals [which is nothing more than a whole big bunch of people] and the child conforms to the parent's ideals. A little cycle of people-pleasing and social conformity begins. It is wonderful when it leads to us getting what we want without too much bother, so that the pleasure gained, outweighs the energy expended engaging in social etiquette; and so we might actually get something out of being nice, cute, lovely and caring. However, much of the socialising causes resentment and frustration, as other more primal methods, feelings and desires get tucked neatly away in Pandora's box.

From the no-man's land of adulthood [which we probably experience as being the high ground]; we judge the behaviours of children and older people, and adults who aren't adult enough; we study them and write books about them. It as if we have made this socialised state of adulthood, the standard and the ideal, by which we measure other behaviours.

The things we adore in children, are so often the same behaviours that we find repulsive in adults. Often the things that we call mental illness, are things that are variations of childhood behaviours exhibited by someone we deem to be too-adult for it to be acceptable. They have not been socialised adequately...not trained into being self-aware enough, composed enough, considerate enough to participate normally with all us other people-pleasers.

A child playing with its genitals in the middle of a group of people, or walking about naked.

An older person, staring at people they find fascinating, and making some overly-loud remark.

An adult, cursing and swearing loudly, publicly, and without control

A child pointing at someone with a different skin colour to theirs.

An adult, singing operatically to themselves in the middle of a busy city street.

We feel a little embarrassed when we encounter these kinds of things, depending on how close we are to them. They represent our own disavowed parts of ourself that we lost in becoming conforming adults. The things we lost in the fire.

We too often see that not behaving normally, is a disability, when it is probably a most precious thing. If only we stopped feeling embarrassed by the behaviours of others [or ourselves when the time comes]. So much of what we do for those with mental illness, we claim is for their own good, yet, I get the feeling that we do much of it to appease our own feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment.

We imagine them to be in distress, or are they more likely in oblivion?

We sedate them to ease their distress...or is it to ease our discomfort?

We call something wrong, so that we can get to play at being right.

We call something evil, so that we can get to play at being good.

We call something childish, so that we can get to play at being adult.

We call something weak, so that we can get to play at being strong.

We call something crazy, so that we can get to play at being sane.

The more we disavow the child in ourselves, the more of a good-adult we become. We often like what it is to be a good-adult: independent, capable, strong and composed. After all, we all get some sort of kick out of being able to do things for ourselves, even if not all of the time. Yet, it seems that the more we perform well as a people-pleasing, well-behaved adults, the less able we are to deal with the inevitable weaknesses when they come along...and they will, as life does its thing.

Often the good-adult, fantasises about the childish behaviours they see...the playfulness, the care-freeness, the obliviousness, the lack of consideration for those around them, their unabashed selfishness...but they could never behave that way themselves. They may even disavow the child in themselves so much, that they detest these behaviours when they see them in others. Filled with feelings of anger, repulsion or disgust; they live in a tyranny where the only acceptable state of being, was one of rational, intelligent, and cultured composure.

There are other ways to grow and develop...where we don't lose altogether the primitive, the pagan, and the playful. We can become capable without losing sight of our uncertainty. We can become social creatures without losing sight of our own satisfaction.

So, look again when you see the abnormal behaviour, and look to see if it isn't wonderfully childish, and have a little look at what you are feeling, and see if it isn't a sense of social awkwardness at an unadulterated way of behaving.

Maybe in doing so, we will rediscover the good things we lost in the fire, and maybe even learn to play again, and get a little crazy.

Everything in its Own Time

"There is a time for everything under the sun" 

Ecclesiastes, Chapter 3

There are many things in life that are beyond our control, and yet, despite them being outside of our control, we often still attempt to mould these things with our wills: or alternatively, we resent them, spending our limited energies in fostering the bitterness of redundant wishes. So, the alternative is to struggle, strain and strive, to no useful end. We expend our energy, wanting what cannot be had, or wishing for life to be different than it is, or fantasising about another version of our selves that we have never been.

We wish for sunshine when there is rain. Wish for Spring, when it is Autumn.

I think this applies to our feelings, and this is what I want to focus on. I don't think we can control our feelings [this isn't entirely true...but, I think the attempt is damaging in the long term], nor do I think we should. However, I do believe that when we stop resisting our feelings, and attempting to control them, the more able to grow along side them in equity, not in tyranny. A lot of energy is wasted when we feel bad, shameful or guilty, about feeling a particular feeling. Let me put it like this:

Feeling shit about feeling shit, doesn't make feeling shit any better.

Do you know what I mean?

I am saying something like this...dance with your feelings. Sometimes that dance will be an extravagant tango, at other times a slow waltz, at others a more melancholy swaying...and sometimes your feelings won't want to dance, and you might be lucky to get a game of scrabble or a short stroll out of them. But, whatever it is, don't resist them. If you feel shit because your feelings won't tango, then accept a humble game of scrabble.

I am sure we have all experienced this scenario, in one way or another: someone attempting to coerce another to dance. Instead of accepting the hesitation to dance, one partner engages in emotional bribery to get their desired outcome. This emotional bribery, usually does nothing but congeal the hesitancy, which then solidifies into something closer to a rebellious protest.

There is a good chance, that the person might actually have gotten up to strut their funky stuff on the dance floor, once they had seen the fun being had by the others. They would have wanted to join in, to participate, but on their own terms. The attempt to coerce, or to make the other feel bad for not playing ball with their whims, doesn't actually get the desired result. It is a waste of energy. Even if the person does give in, the energy that is generated, is weighted with, not a little, residual reluctance and resentment. Dancing isn't dancing if it is forced. Dancing is at best an expression of freedom and liberation.

So, does this make it any clearer?

Feeling shit, about feeling shit, doesn't make feeling shit any better

There is a time for everything under the sun. A time for giving birth, a time for dying; a time for planting, a time for harvesting; a time for killing, a time for healing; a time for knocking down, a time for building; a time for tears, a time for laughter; a time for mourning, a time for dancing; a time for throwing stones away, a time for gathering them; a time for embracing, a time to refrain from embrace; a time for searching, a time for losing; a time for keeping, a time for discarding; a time for tearing, a time for sewing; a time for keeping silent, a time for speaking; a time for loving, a time for hating; a time for war, a time for peace.

Looking After the Things that Matter

Sometimes things are so valuable to us

that we fear tinkering with them

people spend hundreds of pounds on

their trinkets and charms

but, often, never take the time

to learn how to look after them

more content with the brand names and bling
than knowing how to care for those things.

And,

so it seems to be with important relationships

we often just go along with them

taking it for granted

that they just do their job

when actually

they can be improved

nurtured and nourished,

and we can be much more satisfied in them

as a result

we wait until war has broken out

before we think about and invest in methods

to create more harmonious relationships

between different communities

people wait until a relationship has crashed

before heading to the relationship therapist

only then admitting to problems

only then exhausted enough to drop the guard

and yet,

probably still reluctant

to invest energy in change

we only have one life, and a limited time frame

If you want to live this life well, and get the most out of it

then, see how things can be improved
and start tinkering

make a few little adjustments and tweaks

here and there

so that the experience of

rubber hitting the road of our lives

isn't an uncomfortable drag of a journey

but one to be savoured and enjoyed

A Skinny Soya Democracy to Go

I often think

that Freedom

is the window dressing

for Democracy

and that we don't actually get

what it says on the tin

what we get

are a million extra choices

to make in our lives

that are expressed

in the important realms of

margarine selections

and

television channels

furniture sets

and

fashion parades

gizmos and gadgets

holidays and hangovers

we believe in free-dom but,

what we bought into...

[while we were distracted

by the gazillion

paralysing

consumer choices

that are so inconsequential

that we have become

too giddy and shallow

to be arsed with

a change]

...was the free-market

for afterall

freedom is far too much like hard work

[and it is]

when what we really want

is comfort and convenience

and democracy does no harm

like all those nasty tyrannies

[except that they do harm

to their own people

whereas we-the-free

do harm to people

that are far enough away

that we the voters don't

give a flying-fuck

unless we get free airmiles

with our flying-fucks]

and,

would you like an

environmentally friendly reusable bag

with your purchases today?

Harbour in the Eye of the Storm

The jar did the rounds of those gathered. Each tested their strength against the lid that refused to loosen. Hands clasped around this un-budging lid, some faces screwed up slightly in the effort, and others went a little more red-in-the-face than they would have liked. Of course, the jar was passed around the men at first, as if they were more capable, or maybe just to appease a fragile sense of masculinity. But, when no success came, one of the older women present, picked up the jar and knowingly, gave the lid a knock on the side of the table, after which, she opened the jar without strain; no bulging blood vessels, no red face, no strange groaning noises...just ease.

That little knock had broken the air-tight seal that was there to keep the lid from opening easily.

Sometimes we go to things hammer and tongs...and think that the amount of energy we are putting into something is what will yield rewards. The more we want a task to be accomplished, the more and more energy we invest in it. We often keep doing this without ever questioning the way in which we apply that energy. There are nearly always, more insightful and more creative ways to go about meeting challenges in our lives, and those ways can bring about the achievement of goals with less stress and strain.

Often the energy that we use in relation to our challenges, is stress, worry and anxiety. All of these ways of engaging with the challenges in our lives, drain our limited resources. Of course, these responses are justified, but, they aren't necessarily successful, and are for the most part detrimental.

Stress, worry and anxiety, drain energy that could otherwise be invested in some form of betterment. Neither of the three habits here, actually do anything really, other than drain our limited energies. In fact, most of them exist in the place of actually putting ourselves to making some situation better. Disguising themselves as useful, they slip into our lives while we are ruminating, milling things over, internalising, freaking out, wishing things were different or better, hoping for something to change, fantasizing about something else. They are wolves in sheep's clothing.

Those same energies could be used to engage intentionally with the problems we face, to seek out solutions, or make attempts at improving situations. Or, if the problem is actually beyond the reach of our control, we could invest our energies in making peace with all the things we cannot control in our lives. The more we know what we are actually doing, the less room there is for the toxins of stress, worry and anxiety, to poison our brains. A poison that can paralyse, or at best, hinders our progress, and clouds our vision.

Stress, worry and anxiety will never fully go away, but, we can journey. Some will question this, and defend their stressing, and their worrying, and their anxieties, as if they were old friends that they couldn't possibly leave behind. Some will simply not be convinced that we could live our lives without any of these, and to be honest, I am not saying that we can. But, I do believe that we can improve things. Like the martial artist who knows that getting stressed in times of conflict is actually detrimental to their performance, making them more clumsy and and stiff; they instead learn how to be empty-minded. We aren't all martial artists, but, we can learn something from them. It's something that is a little bit Zen.

We can begin to improve things for ourselves. We cannot dictate what challenges life will throw at us, but, we can make little shuffling steps into better positions, where we are better balanced, and can be more intentional. The more passive we are in relation to the challenges that face us, the more the stress energy builds. The more intentional, the less room there is for stress, worry and anxiety.

It's not easy. It involves change. It requires a little, dare I say it, faith.