There is a feeling in life that we don’t like to feel. There are many of course, but the one I am talking about now, is the feeling of being out at sea, with no land in sight…or something like that.
It is that feeling you get when you have no more words, to communicate anything to the other you are meant to love; no words that could make it any better. When the world that once felt solid and secure, has given way to a fluid world of molecules. When you have got to the last page in your book of spells, and the last spell fails to do anything. The chaos continues and we are impotent to change it. The conflict simmers [whether inner or outer; they both feed each other], and we feel helpless; at a loss, longing for some solid ground…like a fridge to clean, or a good dose of self-harm…any way we can reduce the world into something so small and manageable, as to give a feeling of control; to feel like there is a world that exists, that is so small, we could make it better.
But, I am guided by that bright shining North Star of human contradiction.
Even though there are times when we want to have control…to tidy things to within an inch of their life…and put the CDs in alphabetical order…there are also times when we long to pass the buck for our lives onto someone else’s shoulders; like the shoulder’s of a big parent in the sky…like Fate or Circumstance. We mutter the words like a mantra, “but it was out of my control”, or "it wasn't my fault", as if saying these words were a charm that would ward off responsibility.
Sometimes we are playing the child, with are arms held outstretched, hoping for the sweetness of relinquished control, and sometimes we are sitting, arms folded, refusing to talk, curling up in a red-faced tantrum because we are being ignored by that Big Parent in the Sky. The world is not playing ball.
Sometimes we are playing the parent, and we have forgotten how to let go…we have been clinging so tightly for so long, that we would need hugged into submission, or convinced by some life threatening disease, or relational upheaval, that we are not in the pilot’s seat, we are not master and commander…we are not in control, and we can’t Harry Potter our way out of it.
