I believe that we rarely truly listen to eachother
I believe that listening is an essential part of a healthy relationship
Yet, if we rarely do it, then I wonder what impact it has on our valued relationships
I think that most people, when they are "talking to eachother",
are simply encountering eachother, and bouncing off eachother
in a messy exchange,
of linguistic habits
that, at best, meets our need for connectedness,
in a very basic way;
regardless of what was said;
regardless of what was communicated.
However,
in times when our needs are more acute,
when there are things that are important to us
or things that we are anxious about
we might want something a little more
than just spending time with someone
we might actually want someone to listen to us
someone to lean their ear toward us
there are not many who are good at this
many of us hear trigger-words
at which point we interject
unable to surrender our own narcissism
unable to let the other speak
still longing to hear our own echo in the other
to hear our own view of the world coming out of their mouths
my best guess is this:
that we are too quick to give
our answers to their problems
to give our understandings
to their situations
to prescribe our advice
rather than listen fully to them
my best guess is this:
that we have blindspots to how poor we are
at listening to the valued-others in our lives
whether they are
our friends,
our children,
our parents, or
our partners.
when we see others struggling;
with their own feelings
or
with indecision,
we all-too-often jump in with
parenting words...caring words...advising words...loving words
words
not listening
words
filling in the blank,
plastering over the discomfort
avoiding the silence of struggling
too quick to speak...slow to listen
not still enough to listen
brimming over with nervous words
eager to parent
to reassure ourselves
reassured that we are
helping; doing good; caring; being loving
assuming that if we don't say anything
we will cease to be those things
as if to be silent were to be heartless
we rarely allow the other the dignity of their own feelings
we just use it as an opportunity to reveal our own discomfort with difficult feelings
or to share the mantras that we use to parent ourselves
I am fascinated by how parents respond to their children's difficult feelings
I see attempts to change the feeling of the child
[of course not if they are playing out happy feelings]
as if it were not a good thing to be crying
not a good thing to be sad.
I think that this is common
and I think that it has bred in us an allergy to difficult feelings,
and that instead of listening to what is going on with the other;
letting them feel what they feel,
we jump in hastily with answers
and solutions
and remedies
and advice
and happiness
and anything, other than just being there
just being there
listening
a companion rather than a parent
