The Soul's Black Hole

When we focus on

what we don't have

we can end up

with our gazes becoming fixated

by the magnetism

of a black hole

a black hole

in your soul

that exists like

an infants desire

to have everything

every whim and wish

fulfilled instantly

by an omniscient goddess

a desire that becomes a demon

if you don't find salvation

on the dry land of the ordinary

for there is a far greater,

deeper, vaster ocean

of things you do not have

in your life

compared to the little island

of what you do have

and if your eyes get locked

by the pull

of that black hole

it will blind you

to the ordinary things

that are good enough

and that are

under your nose

right under your feet

good enough life

good enough work

good enough family

good enough friends

good enough pleasures

so, here's a toast to what we have

for it may well be good enough

How Life Ought to Be

The world is not fair

or unfair

the world simply

does not care

about me or you or anyone

and there is no way

that life ought to be

for there is no

pre-ordained standard

by which life can be measured

no standards

except ones we conjure up

in our imaginations

born

out of the

quagmire of our frustrations

as our infantile wishes and wills

get ignored, again and again

by a world that is not watching

and though we might prefer

the world to be a better place

inhabited by more considerate people

or prefer life

to be easier and more equal

filled with more opportunities

or prefer

that we had

more freedom and justice

or prefer that

you were more appreciated

or that you had more significance

or prefer that there was less

crime and corruption,

disease and dying,

suffering and sickness

it is not

that it ought

to be that way

it is just

because you wish it was

and if this, we come to accept

then morals are nothing but

a blank cheque

and we'd maybe be better off

talking about how we would like it to be

for ourselves, for others or for me

do something about it,

or make our peace with

the world that does not see

or

just continue moaning

about how life ought to be

Power Sharing Agreement

What we don't learn to do for ourselves, 
we ask, often indirectly, 
for others to do for us.

To be our surrogate mothers
to be our surrogate fathers
our surrogate caregivers
doing things for us
fixing things for us
as if they ought to
while we get to play the incompetent child
while it suits us to do so


and yet,


we will hate them for that very same reason
when they treat us like incompetent children
and patronise and parent
when we don't want them too


and there will never be equality between all of us 
coexisting humanoids
while there is always someone looking to someone else
to do something that they could learn to do for themselves


and if we become the do-er, the fixer, the dish washer, the cleaner


we steal the opportunity for an individual to learn to do that thing -
even if they decide never to do it


we glue ourselves into roles;
the role of the martyr, who must over-function
on behalf of their childish partner


we become the bitter victim
who reluctantly and hatefully performs tasks
that the other person won't do and
that we know we can do better

and we will claim that we get nothing out of it
after all, if they don't do it, who will??


And so it is, that we are often responsible for the vulnerability we feel in this economy; in this exchange of power. We put ourselves voluntarily at the mercy of an other.

Empowering ourselves, or surrendering our powers. 
Playing the parent, or playing the child.
Becoming the tyrant or the martyr.

Lebensraum

I know this may sound like a ridiculous idea

but, let me run it past you.

Actually, no, you'll just think I am crazy

hhhmmmm...

Well, ok, I'll risk embarrassing myself here.

Imagine we accepted people as they are

there ya go

there ya have it

I know,

I'm crazy in the coconut

Insane in the membrane

away with the fairies

It's so crazy

cos if we did that

we wouldn't get to nag someone

about what they don't do

or criticise them

for not doing something well enough

or coerce them

to do things they didn't want to do

or try to get them to dress better

and make more of an effort

we wouldn't be able to get annoyed at them for

feeling something on a particular day

or understanding something in a particular way

we would just have to like it or lump it.

Imagine...

it's madness isn't it.

Of course,

we would still be able to get annoyed

because we humanoids are wilful creatures

and generally get pissed off and frustrated

any time another persons' will

or the will of the world

goes against the grain of our own

but, we wouldn't really be justified

in taking out that annoyance on the other people

with whom we share our lives

we would just have to get over it and

deal with our frustrations

at the world not bowing down

to our desires and duties

preferences and priorities

I suppose, crazy as this idea may seem

the upside is,

that we would be accepted as we are too

and we wouldn't be asked to change

our feelings...our ways

our manners...our behaviours

our tastes...our rituals

but, flip, that almost sounds a little like

unconditional love

which is obviously just a fairytale

about a desire for something

we humanoids could never muster

you know! - that love that we wished we got

from parents and gods

to be accepted just as we are

us shameful sinners

but, it's obviously too much fun

being little dictators

and getting to bash the people we love

with our wills

to have our way

at another's expense

afterall,

creating a little Lebensraum

never hurt anyone, did it?

Seasonal Sedation

I used to associate Winter with Depression

and the more I feared the possibility of Depression

the more it seemed to get a hold of me

But, when I started to go out,
and to pay attention to the rest of nature

respond to the diminishing amount of light.

I saw animals making preparations

for those more sparse months

Scurrying-Squirrels stashing beech nuts

Jays hopping around the Oaks burying acorns

and watched the flora

shrinking away,

saving itself to unfurl with

the fresh new light of Spring.

And, I realised, that it is ok

to become a little more hibernative

Fern-like, and Squirrel-like

to cosy up, and get wrapped up

and reduce our level of activity

to become a little more stagnant

and use that harbour

to gestate new visions for the Spring

I think it is important

to give a nod of acknowledgement

to the change of seasons

seasons that we city-dwellers

can become detached from

as we glare at computer screens

and TV screens, and mobile phone screens

all these screens,

screening us from this other reality

that exists outside of pixel-land

and nature shows us how to do it

and we used to do it, and know it

when we were more pagan and less urban

and we have lost sight of what is natural in us

we have lost touch with our animal-selves

we have created expectations of our behaviour

that are not formed

by the stories of where we have come from

but are created out of the abstractions

of what we think we ought to be

of how we ought to perform

by work-ethics, and security-seeking

by money-making, and mortgage paying

by an idea of constancy and immutability

over and above being human

What I am saying is this:

it is OK to feel more sedate

as the light diminishes

but, if we call these seasonal feelings

depression

we call it unacceptable

like an expectant parent

disappointed at the child

who doesn't want to dance

the more we

use big meaningful words

to describe these changes,

the more significance

we give to something

that is entirely human and ordinary

we judge it

as inappropriate

and needing to be changed

as if measuring our performance

against the standard of

other-normal-humans

but

we are creatures

we are light-respondent creatures

give yourself a ritual

that is a celebration of the season past

toast all that you experienced

the ease and the difficulty

and turn to bow

to the season to come

and focus not on the loss

of what has been and gone

but, on

the unstoppable procession

the necessity of the passing

from resistance to embrace

that nothing is everlasting

The Annoyed Pharisee

Let me share with you, a piece of invaluable wisdom:

When you put the toilet roll on the holder, make sure the open end rolls up and over from the back towards the toilet, not the other way. The other way is the wrong way. I have just shared with you the right way to put the toilet roll on the holder.

Also,

when you wash the dishes put all the cutlery, with the exception of sharp knives, handle-down in the dish rack. Any other way of doing this is wrong, plain and simple.

Of course, I'm kidding...but I'm not

Do you know what I mean?

Do you ever realise that your preferences have somehow become more than a list of preferences, and have mysteriously slipped into the realm of morality? Of course, if you live on your own, these preferences can secretly be maintained, in splendid isolation, and one can maintain the mask of sanity in this regard. However, when two-become-one, or just share the same space under the same roof for any length of time, one can come to realise how crazy our acted-behaviours and thought-behaviours seem to be.

We can become little behavioural Pharisees with lists of additional rules and regulations, getting all wound up when the others in our world don't comply with the laws that we live our lives by. This hidden frustration can build and build...and initially the Pharisee may just undo the crime, by turning the toilet roll around, or picking up after the criminal. Of course, only saints and martyrs can maintain this course indefinitely. But, for most, this inner frustration and hidden correction, can just add to the feeling of inner tension and stress, and eventually must come out. Venting can come in the form of angry scribbles on notes left for the offender in order to correct their offending behaviour. It can then either erupt into rage against the offender, or a serious conversation can be had, to discuss the offending behaviour.

Have you ever done this? Does this sound like you?

When I put it like this, you would probably be embarrassed to admit it, and yet, I want to stand up right now and claim ownership of that behaviour. I have been that person, and I am sure before the day I die, I will behave like that again to some degree or other. Of course, others may not see anything problematic with their Pharisaic code, and simply wish that everyone else abided by it.

Now, I am not saying all this out of a sense of shame for my own behaviour, or to shame anyone else for the same. I am simply wanting to shine a light, on that little transition from preference to morality, and how we play it out on the others in our lives, and often important-others in our lives.

Unfortunately, we can end up treating strangers better than we treat our loved-ones, as those strangers are fortunately distant enough not to offend us. It is the ones we draw close to, and that we share our selves and spaces with, who end up suffering our angry withdrawals, disappointments, resentments or rage.

How do we live in a world of different others? Others, who live by a different code, by different beliefs about how to live well. These are our own personal cultures, the cultures of our hearts, even if they are more like a history of habits; they are our habits, and their habits, and in as much, they are important to us, as if they were connected sensitively to our fragile identities.

So how do we go about coming close to other cultures? Do we attempt to overlook the difference and focus on an idealised, or romanticised sense of similarity, hoping to avoid the potential points of conflict? Or do we focus on the difference and get stuck in the quicksand of intractable tensions?

There are no easy answers.

But, I do know [read as 'best guess'] that tensions ease, when you admit that your laws are your laws, and that they are preferences that have become idols, and do not need to be the preferences of any other who inhabits this planet. Of course, we may really believe that this planet would be a better place, neater place, more orderly kind of place if we all did things the way we do...but it isn't...so we'll just have to get over it.

I also know [read as 'best guess'], that a lot of this inner tension is made worse, by our feelings of personal significance and importance. We can end up behaving like these things mattered, taking ourselves oh-so-seriously, as if our rituals and mythologies had become all-encompassing realities for the world. Well, they aren't, and we'd do better by getting over that too.

And, I also know [read as 'best guess'] that we often take out our real stresses, in lives that we are too afraid to change, on the more tangible, inconsequential aspects of our lives, by picking on the things you would love to change in others. Things, that when it came down to it, you would probably admit to not considering that important, but, when harbouring deep existential frustrations, or pains, they become the bane of the dissatisfaction in your life. Well, they are inconsequential, and we'd find it much easier if we stopped wasting our energies by focusing on the behaviour of others that are close to us, and using those same limited energies to find our own personal sense of satisfaction, or making our peace with the world-as-it-is.

If the small things in our lives have become more important than they ought, we have probably lost sight of something else...and if we have lost sight of something else, there is a good chance that it is intentional blindness to something that we don't want to see, for fear of us having to take responsibility for our lives and make hard decisions, or a blindness to some of the harsher realities of life that we don't yet want to come to terms with.

Of course, it is far easier to have a go at someone else isn't it, because it keeps them wrong and keeps you right, or more importantly, helps us maintain a blindness toward ourselves whilst fixating on the speck of dust in the other's eye, or their scruffy appearance, or in the position they leave the toilet seat, or the kind of mess they are able to tolerate, or the amount they drink, or the company they keep...or...

Just Passing Time

You said you are just passing time

Between now and death

and

I am too

Just passing time

between now and death

yet

I would rather stretch my legs a little

before death comes

to end my possibilities

and breathe in a few full lungs of fresh air

before death comes

to take my responsibilities

and enjoy a little loving

before death comes

to steal my faculties

and share the embrace of friendship

before death comes

and takes my opportunities

and

it doesn't mean anything

it never did

and

it doesn't need to now

while we are passing our time

between this-now and that-now