Connectedness
we are all born of connectedness
the infusing of one to another
the coming together
the intimacy of one person and another person
if the sperm penetrates the egg: if the egg choses the sperm,
you begin your journey
we start to knit our own stories of connectedness
pre-linguistic learning...pre-cognitive learning
from the connectedness that came before us
that was outside of our control
we grow
we grow in the connectedness
of foetus inside womb
me inside another
you inside another
we are already beginning to learn our own repertoire of
habits and responses
responses to the other
ways of connecting ourselves to the other
a repertoire that will accompany us till the day we die.
then
if we survive the womb
we are forced through
forced from breathing fluid,
forced from being fed directly
forced from darkness
from wetness
into dry-ness
and brightness
and the shock of air
and the shock of ruptured connection
the umbilical cord severed.
our lifeline
broken
the fracturing is appeased by the soft flesh of the breast
the sating of hunger at the nipple
the intimacy, the touch, the tactile nature
the tenderness felt at the sating
the only thing that can settle us in the midst of the great trauma
the great insecurity,
is the harbouring
in that intimate bond of feeding
in the pains and discomforts
we are comforted...eased...accepted
we feel connected
but, then
then we feel the trauma of separation...again
another separation
once we felt the umbilical cord cut
now
now the severing is caused by the learning
that the mother is other
that there is conflict
there is tension
between my needs
and my mother's needs
between my needs
and the other's needs
my needs do not correlate with the needs of the other
we are different
we are separate
some sort of definite separateness
permanent state of separateness
a separateness that can only be appeased
by moments of intimacy
intimacies that last far too short a time
intimacies that burn up like kindling
and leave us feeling alone
as quickly
as they made us feel together
intimacies like kindling
that titillate us with the feeling of togetherness
but never bring true lasting warmth
the true lasting warmth of the womb
togetherness and separateness
participation and withdrawal
the pendulum swings
where do you feel safe?
when do you feel safe?
sometimes separateness terrorises me.
I don't mean intentional separateness
like the kind that brings relief.
I mean the kind where you are frustratingly alone
and you long for someone to call you
or offer you some sort of embrace
and this state lures me into self-hatred
hating the neediness that I try to mask
feigning a mighty independence
but
there are so many of us feigning independence
and we mostly do it so badly
for if we believed it entirely,
we would not be in relationship at all...
...but we are
here we are
still relating
still trying to mark out our identities
protective identities
that mark out the I
and the You
that create defensive walls to keep the two apart
I
You
we are separate
are you interested in who I am?
am I interested in who you are?
I, who am longing for intimacy...
I, who am longing for separateness...
are you still interested?
are you interested in me...
or are you interested in how I can meet your needs?
and
what do you do
when our needs conflict?
intimacy is not home...intimacy is a battlefield
