Ring of Steel

You have a ring of steel around your heart
but there are forces within you
that are colluding
secretly
covertly
to terrorise you
to disrupt you

shadow feelings
ghostly apparition feelings
armed with the kryptonite
that threatens to weaken your defences

you want to assassinate these feelings
before they get you in the underbelly
leaving you softened and vulnerable

being vulnerable is something you must never show

and you cannot get your hands around
those feelings
to choke the life out of them,
and you cannot muster your strength

being strong is not how you win this war

but all you know is how to be strong
you are concrete, and steel,
fences and razor wire.

yet, the only way you can win this war
is with openness

yet, the only way you can win this war
is with vulnerability

yes, the only way you can win this war

is on bended knee,
with head
leaning in to
hear with humility
the voice of the other
who's voice 
you have sought
for so long to smother

yes, the only way you can win this war
is with love

Family

Blood is thicker than water
He said
Family more loyal than friends
they'll always be around
fuck!...that’s it,
they'll always be around
you can't get fucking rid of them
they are like skin

a skin that holds you in

Like words in a verse
and that's the blessing

and that’s the curse

the curse of
the familiar
the familial
the family

the familiar family

the only one you will know

or at least have to be in

figure out, survive

get out, the other side

there
like furniture
annoying furniture
people furniture
furniture with feelings
and expectations
and moulds
and manipulation
and all those other gifts
we use to make the world
the way we wish it to be

parents wanting children

to be more like their parents

children wanting parents

to be more like children

everyone wanting something

from someone

other than what they

most naturally are

six narcissists in a house

…
sounds like the start of a joke
it kind of was
but not a funny one
not funny at all
rarely funny, or fun
mostly
awkward, at best
frustrating...infuriating
everyone clambering

to meet their needs
or deny their needs
finding voices, burying voices
both choices

as poisonous as the other

tears for lives unlived
tears for choices not made
tears for this

this mess, this shit
angry for this

this, the fire

the fire in which we are forged

the furnace

where only alchemy

can riddle us out

of the bad joke

wiggle us out

beyond the hedge

beyond the confines

beyond the pale

into

this

the

bleak

barren

plains

of

solitary

savage

wildness

outside

of

this

fucking

crazy

zoo

they

call

calamity

…

sorry

I

meant

family

Museum of Forgetting

You say you are always changing

but you are just staying the same

radically the same

a disguised same

distracting yourself

from something

something like difficult feelings

with superficial changes

and flights of fancy

that you call freedom

but,

you are like a kite

on a million strings

trying to be a free spirit

you keep telling the same stories

over and over again

the same story about yourself

as if it were a little white lie

you were desperately

trying to convince

me

and you

of

and all the rest is a coverup

as if you won't let the water settle

long enough to see your own reflection

in case you see a tear in your eye

that you will never be able to wipe away

Secret Sins and Shames

Thoughts like fingers

slip around my brain

as if trying to find a grip

on something

infinitely uncontrollable

like life

trying to find anchor in open sea

like the open sea

between you and me

that is never constant

and never sure

just ordinary and ambiguous

and it scares the fucking shit out of me

and I am longing for dry land

and solidity

under these feet

that are weighed heavily

with secret sins and shames

and ordinary human failures

that I don't allow myself to make

Little Bastards

Difficult feelings

growing inside you

like unwanted children

gestating in the darkness

of you

like little bastards

tormenting you

with their presence

you would have them aborted

rather than birthed

ripped from you

before they can learn

to speak

and form words

and express what you

dread to hear

Please Come Back

Sometimes the stresses you thought were big

are ones you would beg back

now that you are armed with hindsight

and ready to tackle any other problem

than this

any stress other than this

because even problems with solutions

can have a legacy

that never goes away

because these histories

are being written with every yes and every no

and every I don't know

and every maybe

and no-one is outside of the writing of these stories

there are no outsiders

we are fully participating

even if your head is in the sand

where you would like to stay for a little while longer

Time to Go

Remember those days
When it was time
To go
To go home
But you weren't ready
It didn't seem like
the right time
And the
Car-ride home
Was long and heavy
With bitterness
With grief
Sickened by the cruel reality
That time flies
When you're having fun
There's just not enough
Of it
Not enough time
To get one's fill
To get satisfied
To get full to the brim
And
That winter
Seemed like the
longest darkest
Winter ever
And it seemed
Like there would never
Be another circus-tent
Or another moment
You would wish would never end