It wasn't just self-awareness. These thoughts, were the kind of half-born, half-aborted thoughts that dangled from my brain a lot of the time. These thoughts were the constant commentary of the internalised critical gaze. It is as if I have one of those imaginary friends from childhood, except that this imaginary friend is a wee bastard. He's the kind of friend you would ditch as soon as he wasn't looking, except, he was always looking. He was a half-breed. He was half clingy friend, and half secret police.
To be honest, it seemed as if I had normalised the presence of these ever watchful eyes, like the Christian normalises the ever-watchful eyes of the sweet Lord Jesus. It becomes so much part of your identity, that your behaviour is automatically policed and edited, lest you be caught with you pants down. On occasion you would have to be reminded that Jesus was watching, like some sort of divine Pinochet. It all came with the slogans and propaganda too.
"What would Jesus do?"
This would sometimes be interchanged with "your granny", as if your granny embodied the same behaviour-rectifying properties of the risen Lord. Either of these options would potentially leave one full of all sorts of shit.
In my policed-by-Jesus days, there was a superstitious belief that if you thought about something unholy or profane (most of these things deemed unholy were synonymous with natural functions or desires), a hidden porthole to the underworld would open up, and you would forever be ruled by the power of your evil desires vis-a-vis the anti-Christ with his hoard of demons.
And here I am wondering what life looks like outside of the ever-watchful gaze.
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