After the Hurting

After the hurting,
after the pain of separation
the realisation of differentness
after the disillusionment
after the end of enchantment

the reality of our
aloneness
alone
isolated
in the world of our feelings

what next

do we build bigger, higher defences
reinforcing security
on our boundaries and borders
on our territories
attempting to guard
against the traumas
against the enemies

do we get more adept at avoiding
and distrusting
refusing to allow
closeness and proximity
in case the other gets
close enough to kill
or wound us

do we find complex ways
of pushing people away
making sure they keep their distance
making sure that those who get in
pledge allegiance to our constitutions
resound their patriotism
to our policies
and principles

or do we keep on loving
knowing that...

if we avoid feeling hurt, we avoid love
if we avoid feeling pain, we avoid life
if we avoid feeling afraid, we avoid abundance
if we avoid feeling angry, we avoid intimacy
if we avoid feeling loss, we avoid truly holding anything

and, I know in the midst of this which will bring me more joy
but, sometimes it seems that we don't allow joy into our lives
either because we feel we don't deserve it
resolute in our need for eternal punishment
or because we are so hooked on the tragic rendition of our lives
that we fear we will fade into obscurity if we choose happiness
or that if we stopped picking these old wounds,
and found resolution and closure
we would lose something far too precious
even when that precious thing is slowly killing us

or maybe we just feign recovery
and fuck the pain away
keeping the past alive
in our behaviours
in our museum of forgetting