Self-Esteem Trees

Self-esteem doesn’t grow on trees.

It would be preferable to many of us, if you were just able to pluck some self-esteem from the nearest tree, as if feeling good about our selves were a natural right of every human being, or at least that it should come easily. As is often the case, we want valuable things without cost. We want things that have worth to us, without paying for them. So many of us, are like closet shoplifters, that don’t have the courage to actually steal anything, but resent paying for the thing they want. So, we end up in the aisles paralysed between our conflicting desires.

Pilfering self-esteem as and when we find it from the pockets of life, is a decent enough ploy, but it is a tactic that rewards the minimal effort with a minimal pleasure. You get what you give. And so, there is nothing quite like getting down to business…putting in a bit of elbow grease. For many of us, our esteem, is dependent on someone else. We glue ourselves into relationships where someone else takes charge, and takes responsibility, while we glean off some of the profits, which can never be any thing more than crumbs from the table.

What if we became self-sufficient?

I don’t mean that we become hermits who never communicate with anyone. I am not suggesting that we ought to live our lives free from other people, even though there are times when that would seem idyllic. I am, however, suggesting that the satisfaction of looking after one’s self, far outweighs the satisfaction we might get from letting others do the dirty work.

Self-esteem only comes with sacrifice and hard work. It comes with perseverance and determination, and of course, sometimes we don’t have those, and so we slip back into the quicksand of our more protective selves. The more we slip back, into feeling crap about ourselves, the less likely we are to find the tools we need to change; like rummaging for a nail in a toolbox when you have no torch and the lights have gone out. In this scenario, one can become fixated with the task of finding the nail, and not try to sort out the lighting issue. Sometimes we need to go back to basics…you’d be as lucky to find self-esteem, without looking after the basics of your physical and practical well-being, as you would be to find that nail in the toolbox. Either way, it is no one else’s job to sort it out for us; there is only you, and the journey for your self-esteem is an entirely solitary one.

There is something better for us…not out there…not in the wide blue yonder…just in here. Inside, in that little room inside yourself, where you have those million secret conversations, commentaries, monologues and diatribes that no one else ever gets to hear. Maybe in those conversations with yourself, you can find a nurturing voice. A voice from yourself, to yourself and for yourself; a voice free from judgement and criticism, and free from wish and fantasy, free from the curses that you have whispered over your self for far too long. And maybe, if you find this nurturing voice, you will encourage a movement that will become a few movements, which will over time become the makings of a journey, or maybe nothing as grandiose as that…maybe just a wee trip to some place nicer than you where.

I wish you well for that journey

Learning to Limp

Learning to limp

as natural and instinctive

as curling in foetal forms

to dampen the impending

anticipated pain

connected pains

pains of connection

as the tissue of our being

with heavy footfall

weighted unnecessarily by

our own hated burdens

on the

tarmac of our this and that

the frictions and abrasions

inevitable and impending

as certain as the passing

the

blows and grazes

contusions and lacerations

Then the injury

is gone

But loyally

we limp on

For we have learned to limp

learned to

curl

duck

clench

hold ourselves

in ways that give genesis

to their own ailments

and

counter-pains

tightened tendons

strained ligaments

Learning to live unwounded

Learning to live unbroken

Learning to live un-analysed-to-within-an-inch-of-one’s-life

Can be as hard as learning to walk…

For

The
Very

First

Time

Love Thy Neighbour

You have heard it said, love your neighbour as yourself, but I say…love your neighbour as they want to be loved.

It may come as a surprise, but, not everyone wants to be loved in the same way that we would like to be loved. Sometimes we care and love, and act that out without regard to how the other person might actually like to be treated. It’s a simple mistake, we simply forget to ask, and just bash on with our caring and loving.

This is often the case in intimate relationships. We can maintain beliefs in mystical connections at the expense of learning how to navigate the quagmire of real communication…real requests…and real listening.

It’s a little bit like buying a present for someone, and mistaking our own excitement about the gift, with the actual appreciation that person might have for it. Traditionally, the receiver has been socially obliged to be grateful regardless of the gift’s suitability. After all, at worst, it was a bad guess, and we all know we can put the rubbish present in the box with the other bits’n’bobs, or donate it to the charity shop.

However, when it comes to loving and caring, this kind of disparity can cause even more discomfort and unease, than an unwanted itchy jumper. Many of us like to believe that when we love another, the other is somehow essentially connected to us, and this can easily lead us to believing that the other is essentially the same as us.

It’s so easy to do, to mix up the pleasure of our loving intent, with what might actually end up being unappreciated, or worse, causing harm…like Bad Aid or Bad Intervention. People who are blindly caught up in the energy of their own good actions can do things that cause harm. Aid organisations injecting huge quantities of free rice or clothing can cripple the other’s economy in this exchange, whilst overbearing interference can undervalue the autonomy of the other.

We can end up caring carelessly.

But imagine this: imagine that we communicated honestly with one another, without fear of causing offence or upset, and suggested the ways we like to be looked after, cared for and loved, even if that meant we’d rather go-it-alone. Of course, the other person is not obliged to conform, but at least it would be out in the open. We could listen to each other’s differences and figure something out…something a little bit better.

And you never know, you might stop getting those itchy jumpers that you hate.

Be Blessed

When the road doesn't rise to meet you,

may you find the subtle strength in your sinews

to let one foot fall in front of the other

down tracks untrod

into fresh unknowns

that are only yours

When the wind isn't at your back,

may you find your centre

and summon a gentle energy

that brings intention to move or stay

so that you are not blown by every breeze

When the sun doesn't shine upon your face,

may you close your eyes

and find comfort in the darkness

and an inner flicker of light

that can guide you without blinding you

And when the rains fall hard upon you

may you lift up your face to it

and let it wash you

drench you

until you stop thinking your life

And when you do not feel held

by God or anyone

may you begin to know yourself

in your separateness

and befriend your self

so that you can stand strong in a sea of others

that when they do come to hold you

you do not feel like half a person being completed.

For in the blessing is a curse,

and in the curse

is a blessing

Never Forget to Remember

Some of us, find it easier and safer, to stay locked to the negative. They jettison the positive experiences so as not to corrupt their loyalty to the hurt. They stay true to the trauma. They erect their behaviours around that trauma, like memorials to the loss: the loss of innocence. The betrayal of trust.

They root their identities firmly in that trauma. They scar themselves with newer, fresher pains, to keep themselves from straying from their secret vows to the trauma.

They must never forget. To forget would be to betray. To forget would be to blaspheme the holy name of the pain.

They parade magic charms around to make sure they don’t forget to remember. They tattoo themselves with their loyalties to make sure they don’t forget to remember. They march defiantly, with banners and flags unfurled, and make sure everyone else knows the reality of their pain. These are the muffled cries of loss, expressed with rage and triumph. Everyone else must know. Everyone else must hear this.

But, all the stories matter, every single story. All our loaded words and ways; all of them matter. In some strange meaningless way.

Backup Plans

I have been learning to live with as much flexibility as possible. I have been learning to accept the unpredictability of life, and human behaviour. I have been learning to have back up plans. It has not been easy, but, it has been deeply rewarding even though I haven’t, and probably never will, fully master it.

Oftentimes we confront the unpredictability, of circumstances and people, with the rage of our disappointed expectations. We project our rage against the offender, who ought to have facilitated the world we wish existed.

The world will always, at some time or other, run against the grain of our ego. The world will always, at some time or other, go against the grain of our will.

How do we face up to it? Do we?

It seems to me, that we more commonly resist this kind of engagement with life, and instead continue to live in a world-of-unpredictable-humans, heavily armed and weighed down with expectations, with no backup plan. We instead chose to live in the abstract world of our rights to this or that, and the shoulds about the circumstances that we would have preferred, and the oughts about the ways we wished others behaved.

We sit there feigning and claiming innocence, blaming the world around us for not being better than it is. We can continue with this for as long as we want, but, sooner or later you, me, we, have got to deal with it.

Sustainable Living

Sustainability is a word that most of us are now familiar with. We have heard it mostly used in relation to what is perceived by many to be a climate crisis. I believe that sustainability is a beneficial guide for us, as a species, but also as individuals. It is not an all-encompassing answer to the problems of the world, although I don’t think one of those exists, but, it is useful.

I’ll highlight two kinds of economies…deficit-based economies, and resource-based economies. In the former, any growth that these countries experience is fundamentally fragile, and as it expands, the bubble always threatens to burst. This results in economic catastrophe and collapse. Every penny that is spent is owed. The government owes, the banks owe, and everyone ends up writing bouncy cheques. There is no foundation to the figures, which becomes nothing more than an abstract proposition of consumer confidence and projected worth.

The other kind of economy is resource-based.  This is, what I see, as a smarter economic model, as it doesn’t gamble with what it doesn’t have. It works with its own resources, its growth is stable and consistent, and it does not have the fickle confidence of the deficit-junkies, who are buoyed up on the ether of the last financial high.

This economic insight has a lot to say about what we humans get up to behind the scenes. There is a term in the world of psychology: cognitive dissonance, and essentially, this is the psychological equivalent of a deficit-based economy. This is where the idea we have of ourselves doesn’t match up to who we are. We can sustain this disparity for some amount of time, but, depending on how great the distance is within ourselves, it will eventually give way. Some might manage to maintain this inner gulf until the day they die, but, it isn’t something I would aspire to, or encourage anyone to give a try. It is a massive drain on our inner resources trying to maintain overly grand ideas of ourselves. We cannot keep doing it. It will eventually ruin the things we think we are trying to maintain.

Just like the population of Easter Island, that were so busy building impressive statues of human faces that they didn’t notice they were wiping out all the trees in the process. They destroyed the civilisation they thought they were revering. They killed the thing they loved. There is a big price to pay for big ideas.

So, I am trying to promote psychological sustainability. Look at what you have, cultivate your soul and grow what you need, and you will weather life’s storms with much more ease.

Ditch the faces, and keep the forests.