The Things we Lost in the Fire

Children are not innocent.

I have probably mentioned this before in my blogging, that I see childhood innocence as nothing more than a romantic story, dreamt up by disillusioned adults who hanker after the things they lost in the process of becoming adult-erated. It is then projected back onto the children in an act of objectification. Parented into nice, cute, lovely, caring creatures.

Children are need-meeters. They learn to do all kinds of things in order to meet their needs. They are often cruel, malicious and manipulative. But, of course, we don't want this to be the case. We want our spawn to be little darlings...princes and princesses...untainted by the human gene...born of a more heavenly sperm.

Really, all that has happened, is that the children got adult-erated. They got socialised. The parents rewarded the behaviour they liked, and punished the behaviour they didn't. The parents conform to society's ideals [which is nothing more than a whole big bunch of people] and the child conforms to the parent's ideals. A little cycle of people-pleasing and social conformity begins. It is wonderful when it leads to us getting what we want without too much bother, so that the pleasure gained, outweighs the energy expended engaging in social etiquette; and so we might actually get something out of being nice, cute, lovely and caring. However, much of the socialising causes resentment and frustration, as other more primal methods, feelings and desires get tucked neatly away in Pandora's box.

From the no-man's land of adulthood [which we probably experience as being the high ground]; we judge the behaviours of children and older people, and adults who aren't adult enough; we study them and write books about them. It as if we have made this socialised state of adulthood, the standard and the ideal, by which we measure other behaviours.

The things we adore in children, are so often the same behaviours that we find repulsive in adults. Often the things that we call mental illness, are things that are variations of childhood behaviours exhibited by someone we deem to be too-adult for it to be acceptable. They have not been socialised adequately...not trained into being self-aware enough, composed enough, considerate enough to participate normally with all us other people-pleasers.

A child playing with its genitals in the middle of a group of people, or walking about naked.

An older person, staring at people they find fascinating, and making some overly-loud remark.

An adult, cursing and swearing loudly, publicly, and without control

A child pointing at someone with a different skin colour to theirs.

An adult, singing operatically to themselves in the middle of a busy city street.

We feel a little embarrassed when we encounter these kinds of things, depending on how close we are to them. They represent our own disavowed parts of ourself that we lost in becoming conforming adults. The things we lost in the fire.

We too often see that not behaving normally, is a disability, when it is probably a most precious thing. If only we stopped feeling embarrassed by the behaviours of others [or ourselves when the time comes]. So much of what we do for those with mental illness, we claim is for their own good, yet, I get the feeling that we do much of it to appease our own feelings of awkwardness and embarrassment.

We imagine them to be in distress, or are they more likely in oblivion?

We sedate them to ease their distress...or is it to ease our discomfort?

We call something wrong, so that we can get to play at being right.

We call something evil, so that we can get to play at being good.

We call something childish, so that we can get to play at being adult.

We call something weak, so that we can get to play at being strong.

We call something crazy, so that we can get to play at being sane.

The more we disavow the child in ourselves, the more of a good-adult we become. We often like what it is to be a good-adult: independent, capable, strong and composed. After all, we all get some sort of kick out of being able to do things for ourselves, even if not all of the time. Yet, it seems that the more we perform well as a people-pleasing, well-behaved adults, the less able we are to deal with the inevitable weaknesses when they come along...and they will, as life does its thing.

Often the good-adult, fantasises about the childish behaviours they see...the playfulness, the care-freeness, the obliviousness, the lack of consideration for those around them, their unabashed selfishness...but they could never behave that way themselves. They may even disavow the child in themselves so much, that they detest these behaviours when they see them in others. Filled with feelings of anger, repulsion or disgust; they live in a tyranny where the only acceptable state of being, was one of rational, intelligent, and cultured composure.

There are other ways to grow and develop...where we don't lose altogether the primitive, the pagan, and the playful. We can become capable without losing sight of our uncertainty. We can become social creatures without losing sight of our own satisfaction.

So, look again when you see the abnormal behaviour, and look to see if it isn't wonderfully childish, and have a little look at what you are feeling, and see if it isn't a sense of social awkwardness at an unadulterated way of behaving.

Maybe in doing so, we will rediscover the good things we lost in the fire, and maybe even learn to play again, and get a little crazy.