Here I am

We are born

born into

someone else's choice

the first power-play

to which we are blind

until

we come to see

once we awake

if we awake

into the thrown-ness

here I am

existing

propelled by

the movements and meanings

of particular others

by the desires and dictates

of those all-too familiar others

and now

here I am

existing

and

aware

what now?

Accept their meanings,

And ask no further?

Reject their meanings,

and begin anew?

Here I am

Longing for the ease of hand-me-down meanings

to be found acceptable in the eyes of others

yet

Longing for the satisfaction of a life

tailored to my own fulfilment

regardless of affirmations

Torn; ripped asunder

now exhausted by being torn

now protecting

now numb

Here I am

existing

at the crossroads

everyday

at the crossroads

wanting to decide?

having to decide?

now refusing to decide

now convinced

there is no decision worth making

anyway...

anyway...

here I am

What does Meaning Mean?

What does meaning mean?

I used to refer to myself as a nihilist

and this is true to the extent

that I was saying that I don't believe there is

or ever has been

an overarching meaning, or inherent meaning

to human existence.

I rather believe that it simply has come to be;

it simply is

and that we like telling stories about that.

However, I am going to tentatively posit

that I do still believe in life with meaning

[don't faint with shock just yet!]

When it comes to meaning,

I think one of the main questions for me

is not whether there is meaning to life or not

but,

whether you accept the meanings

that are given to you by your

family, society, church, peers or culture etc

or

whether you learn to tell your own stories

and create your own meanings.

So, for me, the question of meaning

is really more closely related

to the question of conformity

versus individuality

Accepting or maintaining our family's meanings

for example

has a certain easiness to it,

even if within it

we try to express our own little unique flourish

However,

to forge out something new,

requires far more existential energy

an energy that some never manage to muster.

Not that the latter is more virtuous, as

I imagine that it is more a matter of habit

than of virtue

Neither choice being any better than the other

I also think that when we talk of meaning,

there are at least two varieties of meaning.

There are meanings that are thought

and meanings that are felt.

When I was young and feeling alive

and playing and exploring

I wasn't overly concerned with what any of it meant.

Yet, it felt in those moments, entirely meaningful.

Of both theses varieties of meaning,

it is the latter which matters more to me now,

but, due to the journey I have been on

it is one that I am having to actively reclaim

or,

at least, actively let go of the thought-meaning

in order to experience more of the felt-meaning.

In some ways they both seem in conflict with each other;

the more I strive for thought-meaning

the less I seem able to embrace felt-meaning

we can ask all the questions of the day about

thought-meaning

from the safety of our armchairs and toilet seats

but,

when it comes to felt-meaning

we must risk

ourselves against the world

experiencing ourselves in varieties of relationship

challenging ourselves

putting ourselves to doing things

exploring, venturing, trying.

Our lives can then become abundant with meaning,

but, it is not a meaningfulness that can be

analysed by the mind that is hungry for

thought-meaning,

for felt-meaning cannot be easily explained

or defined or justified;

it cannot be proven or argued,

it can only be experienced and felt.

If one busies themselves

with the quest for thought-meaning

even in order to find meaning for the

pursuit of felt-meaning

they will be chasing their tails;

shooting themselves in the proverbial foot.

Tail-chasing

is a past-time that seems inherent

in the realm of thought-meaning

within the world of thought-meaning

one can conjure up all sorts

of unsolvable problems and paradoxes that

could inspire ecstasy

or inject despair.

Yet, within the realm of felt-meaning

there doesn't appear to be this same dilemma.

At worst,

there are hard decisions,

difficult circumstances

and conflicting feelings

but none of these are like

omnipotent gods creating unmovable stones

or 

finding the all-encompassing point to life.

When one who embraces thought-meaning

encounters the one who embraces felt-meaning

there is a disparity,

one relaying facts and figures

about points needing proved,

the other sharing stories

about feelings felt.

neither of which is more virtuous than the other

simply different,

but...

if it is all pointless,

then even finding a point is pointless

and you can either work, rest and play

or twiddle your thumbs

ruminating occasionally

over the pointlessness of it all

neither of which is more virtuous than the other

simply different.

The Bulging Eyes of Expectation

When we enter into relationships, we often enter with desire, even if these desires are hidden behind a protective layer of anxieties. These are normal human desires, to have some of our needs met, to satisfy our want for relationship...and initially we are curious about who the other person is and what they have to offer us. We understand them as being different to us, and yet we are attracted to their difference. However, have you ever noticed a transformation, when curiosity seems to evaporate into thin air; it goes out the window and is replaced with the bulging eyes of expectation.

Now, you may not have have noticed the expectations that are brewing away behind the scenes, but you will certainly notice the deadpan face of disappointment when your behaviour has somehow broken the new secretly instated law. The same stuff you have always done, the ways in which you had always behaved, are now rating somewhere between distasteful and repulsive. There is a new contract, even though you never saw it, and you never signed it...but it is there.

The person at the receiving end of the expectations may be more than a little confused as to what has happened. If they are of the people-pleasing-persuasion, they might start attempting to play ball, hoping to quickly learn the new rules of this game, and choreograph their behaviours accordingly. They edit themselves out of existence little by little, to the point where they are just playing a role, but one that, for the meantime at least, avoids causing tears or tantrums. These people, in their passivity, can become silent and bitter, carrying secret worlds of frustration. Is this you?

Others may chose not to play ball with these new expectations, and this in turn, may lead to arguments that never resolve themselves, endlessly chasing their own tails. However, unlike in the previous response, each person in this scenario will at least maintain some sense of their own identity. But, the endless conflict drains the energy out of the relationship, and sooner or later, each of the individuals may wonder why they are in a relationship with each other at all. Each of them may find a refuge outside of the relationship, in havens that, relative to what they experience when they return home, may feel like blissful reprieve.

This may take the appearance of extra enthusiasm for old hobbies, or taking up new ones. It might look like some strange, out-of-character commitment to work, or for others it will be found in other relationships...more time spent with friends they had been neglecting, or maybe with a new exciting lover who seems to be interested in them as they are, without having to jump through hoops. Is this you?

Does any of this sound familiar? Anyway, it's just a thought, but, I thought that maybe we could all reflect on the relationships that are important to us, and ask ourselves if we are genuinely appreciating these people as they are, free from our desires for who we would like them to be, and how we would like them to behave.

Our Embedded Selves

How we perceive the world, effects how we engage with the world. The two are inextricably linked. How you understand the world, will effect how you respond to it, and it will of course, respond back. This is how life goes on...and how we often get caught up in vicious cycles...or for others, enriching cycles. We are oh so quick to point the finger at other people, other places, other institutions, other cultures...rather than look at what we are bringing to the table.

It seems to me, that the human inclination is toward scapegoating...doing anything possible to blame someone else for our experience, rather than taking personal responsibility, and forging ahead with our own often-difficult journies.

We all come with our perspectives. Formed from birth and breeding, our histories and their histories, we have a particular way of filtering our experiences of life, of processing the information we are receiving, and that then influences the ways we respond to the people we encounter. All these little nuanced differences, and hidden histories, are enough to stop, or at least dissuade me from talking grandiosely about the realities that exist...and limit me to talking about my own little unique filtered experiences.

We are all embedded. If anyone tells you they are not, don't believe them. Weigh up what people tell you with this in mind....when they speak of a person with distaste...or of a country they loved...a movie they think is the best movie ever...the best place to go for a walk...why you need to be saved from your sins...or why you don't...or what political viewpoint you ought to have...or why life is so this or that...remember that although we like to speak with ontological exactitude, we are always talking about our embedded-selves.

All Suped-up, and Getting Nowhere

I remember one evening, walking down a street in South Belfast, and I saw something that embedded itself in my memory, as if I knew that it was a metaphor for something I would later be able to make use of. And, here is me, making use of it.

I saw a sporty looking car, all done up with the expensive alloys and spoiler. I can guess from the outside, that the inside was all rigged up with a pretty impressive sound-system, because you could feel the bass from the relative safety of the pavement.

The thing that struck me, and amused me to no end, was that this impressive looking machine was maneuvering its way over speed bumps, which reduced this snazzy looking car to a snail's pace: the car's lower-than-average body emitting nasty crunching sounds as it passed over the humps.

This made me think about how we humans often create elaborate stories of significance about ourselves. Stories of significance, that are an attempt to set us apart from the rest: from our families, from our work colleagues, from our cultures. Yet, at least in my own experience, these stories of significance, as we make our way through life, can become a hindrance to our getting anywhere that we might want to go.

But, some of us would rather cruise around in circles, being all different n'all, feigning more significance than anyone else, than go explore the barren-plained wildness of the ordinary.

But maybe that's just me trying to be different.

Never underestimate the human desire to he holy, elect, and set apart...some people would go through persecution just to maintain it.

Change: and How to Avoid it

Many people long for change in their lives; at least, many people talk about wanting change in their lives: the healthier lifestyle, the better paid job, the more satisfying relationship, the more toned body, to do more reading etc. Whatever it happens to be, it seems that there are only some people who bring about those longed-for changes. But, why do so many people fail to bring about meaningful change in their life?

Some might suggest that change in our own personal lives is a matter of will power, and that failure to bring it about is purely a matter of weakness. The strong are those that change, and live the lives the way they want.

However, what if talking about change was a sure-fire way to avoid it? What if, we actually talked about change, so that we could avoid it? Surely that couldn't make sense....could it?

Well, if you believe that humans are pretty straight-forward, coherent kinds of creatures, then you would probably be at least a little cynical about this suggestion.

However, if you understand humans like I do...as often-incoherent, often-conflicted, often self-defeating, then, you would at least bend an ear in interest to what I have to say

What do we get out of not changing?

This is an especially hard question to answer for those who are finding the thought of change paralysing. To suggest that we get something out of the lifestyle, or behaviour that we are continuing on even though we may find it deeply unsatisfying or frustrating, seems counter intuitive. It is, at least, often in conflict with the stories that people tell of themselves. But, I am sure you hear these stories all the time, and maybe you haven't realised, but, you have probably been asked to nod your head along with these stories, in obligatory affirmation.

Stories of how I would love this or that, or to do this or that, if only bla de bla de bla...and oh, indeed, I will do that when...when the time is right, when I have enough money, when I've lost a few pounds, when my children grow up and leave home, or when elephants fly. Maybe, ashamedly, you are the person telling these flying-elephant stories. I know I have been.

What are you and I willing to exchange for that satisfaction, because it doesn't come free.

We humanoids are so habit-bound, that to bring about any change in our lives, will require at least, that we experience discomfort and displeasure on the journey to greener grass.

So, how much do you really want that change in your life?

The Millstone Feeling

You wake up

you wake up with a heavy feeling

it feels like a millstone around your neck

you feel it pulling you down

and down, and further down

into where?

into you

into the darkest most terrifying parts

of you

but the millstone is not tied

around your neck

you

are

holding

on

to

it

tightly

oh so tightly

clinging to it

like a child

to a

security blanket

in an insecure world

it is yours

but it is not you

you made it

through a history of grinding

will against will

existence against existence

and you have shared yourself

and given yourself

in its making

but it is not in your gut

though you feel it there,

and you do not have to go down

with it

and you don't have to drown

with it

today

not today

and maybe you can find the surface again

and look through jaded eyes

to find

dry land

today

and maybe tomorrow

you will remember

to hold your feelings more lightly

like the hold of a healthier kind of love

that we were never taught