What does Meaning Mean?

What does meaning mean?

I used to refer to myself as a nihilist

and this is true to the extent

that I was saying that I don't believe there is

or ever has been

an overarching meaning, or inherent meaning

to human existence.

I rather believe that it simply has come to be;

it simply is

and that we like telling stories about that.

However, I am going to tentatively posit

that I do still believe in life with meaning

[don't faint with shock just yet!]

When it comes to meaning,

I think one of the main questions for me

is not whether there is meaning to life or not

but,

whether you accept the meanings

that are given to you by your

family, society, church, peers or culture etc

or

whether you learn to tell your own stories

and create your own meanings.

So, for me, the question of meaning

is really more closely related

to the question of conformity

versus individuality

Accepting or maintaining our family's meanings

for example

has a certain easiness to it,

even if within it

we try to express our own little unique flourish

However,

to forge out something new,

requires far more existential energy

an energy that some never manage to muster.

Not that the latter is more virtuous, as

I imagine that it is more a matter of habit

than of virtue

Neither choice being any better than the other

I also think that when we talk of meaning,

there are at least two varieties of meaning.

There are meanings that are thought

and meanings that are felt.

When I was young and feeling alive

and playing and exploring

I wasn't overly concerned with what any of it meant.

Yet, it felt in those moments, entirely meaningful.

Of both theses varieties of meaning,

it is the latter which matters more to me now,

but, due to the journey I have been on

it is one that I am having to actively reclaim

or,

at least, actively let go of the thought-meaning

in order to experience more of the felt-meaning.

In some ways they both seem in conflict with each other;

the more I strive for thought-meaning

the less I seem able to embrace felt-meaning

we can ask all the questions of the day about

thought-meaning

from the safety of our armchairs and toilet seats

but,

when it comes to felt-meaning

we must risk

ourselves against the world

experiencing ourselves in varieties of relationship

challenging ourselves

putting ourselves to doing things

exploring, venturing, trying.

Our lives can then become abundant with meaning,

but, it is not a meaningfulness that can be

analysed by the mind that is hungry for

thought-meaning,

for felt-meaning cannot be easily explained

or defined or justified;

it cannot be proven or argued,

it can only be experienced and felt.

If one busies themselves

with the quest for thought-meaning

even in order to find meaning for the

pursuit of felt-meaning

they will be chasing their tails;

shooting themselves in the proverbial foot.

Tail-chasing

is a past-time that seems inherent

in the realm of thought-meaning

within the world of thought-meaning

one can conjure up all sorts

of unsolvable problems and paradoxes that

could inspire ecstasy

or inject despair.

Yet, within the realm of felt-meaning

there doesn't appear to be this same dilemma.

At worst,

there are hard decisions,

difficult circumstances

and conflicting feelings

but none of these are like

omnipotent gods creating unmovable stones

or 

finding the all-encompassing point to life.

When one who embraces thought-meaning

encounters the one who embraces felt-meaning

there is a disparity,

one relaying facts and figures

about points needing proved,

the other sharing stories

about feelings felt.

neither of which is more virtuous than the other

simply different,

but...

if it is all pointless,

then even finding a point is pointless

and you can either work, rest and play

or twiddle your thumbs

ruminating occasionally

over the pointlessness of it all

neither of which is more virtuous than the other

simply different.