The Bulging Eyes of Expectation

When we enter into relationships, we often enter with desire, even if these desires are hidden behind a protective layer of anxieties. These are normal human desires, to have some of our needs met, to satisfy our want for relationship...and initially we are curious about who the other person is and what they have to offer us. We understand them as being different to us, and yet we are attracted to their difference. However, have you ever noticed a transformation, when curiosity seems to evaporate into thin air; it goes out the window and is replaced with the bulging eyes of expectation.

Now, you may not have have noticed the expectations that are brewing away behind the scenes, but you will certainly notice the deadpan face of disappointment when your behaviour has somehow broken the new secretly instated law. The same stuff you have always done, the ways in which you had always behaved, are now rating somewhere between distasteful and repulsive. There is a new contract, even though you never saw it, and you never signed it...but it is there.

The person at the receiving end of the expectations may be more than a little confused as to what has happened. If they are of the people-pleasing-persuasion, they might start attempting to play ball, hoping to quickly learn the new rules of this game, and choreograph their behaviours accordingly. They edit themselves out of existence little by little, to the point where they are just playing a role, but one that, for the meantime at least, avoids causing tears or tantrums. These people, in their passivity, can become silent and bitter, carrying secret worlds of frustration. Is this you?

Others may chose not to play ball with these new expectations, and this in turn, may lead to arguments that never resolve themselves, endlessly chasing their own tails. However, unlike in the previous response, each person in this scenario will at least maintain some sense of their own identity. But, the endless conflict drains the energy out of the relationship, and sooner or later, each of the individuals may wonder why they are in a relationship with each other at all. Each of them may find a refuge outside of the relationship, in havens that, relative to what they experience when they return home, may feel like blissful reprieve.

This may take the appearance of extra enthusiasm for old hobbies, or taking up new ones. It might look like some strange, out-of-character commitment to work, or for others it will be found in other relationships...more time spent with friends they had been neglecting, or maybe with a new exciting lover who seems to be interested in them as they are, without having to jump through hoops. Is this you?

Does any of this sound familiar? Anyway, it's just a thought, but, I thought that maybe we could all reflect on the relationships that are important to us, and ask ourselves if we are genuinely appreciating these people as they are, free from our desires for who we would like them to be, and how we would like them to behave.